March 2002






"I do suck."
- Tiger Woods


Saturday 3.23.02


If toast always land buttered-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
- Steven Wright

Today's Essay: The real problem with March Madness

Everybody wants to rule the world....

After many months of pointedly resisting anything resembling campaign finance, Shrub has finally jumped on the McCain-Feingold bandwagon. In an interesting piece of political calculus, the Republicans who voted for the bill did so largely in an attempt to minimize any political damage from exposure to the Enron collapse. How cynical is that?

In the end, it has little if anything to do with whether McCain-Feingold is good for the country. It's all about whether it will further a Republican Senator's political career. Even Shrub may benefit from his political rival's success because he has decided to sign the bill that could counter charges that he and his party have been too close to big businesses such as the collapsed Enron Corp.

Silly me. All this time, I thought these clowns were elected representatives of the people. How naive of me....

What if the pages stick together??

Does an inmate serving a life sentence without conjugal visitation rights have the right to procreate? If so, how? A California inmate is asking to be allowed to mail his sperm home to his wife. Surprisingly, this is uncharted legal territiory. The Supreme Court has said that prisoners have the right to marry and cannot be forcibly sterilized. No court, though, has ever ruled on the circumstances presented by this case.

Of course, left unanswered are the logistical questions created by the idea of mailing one's sperm. Sounds a bit messy, no??

Why being a professional athlete does not necessarily make you a good liar.

Something to think about:

From Unamerican:
Yesterday as I was driving downtown I saw a protest by a group called Christians For Peace pleading with our "president" to leave Iraq alone. think about this. Southern Christians out to protest for peace.

Thanks for getting out in front of THIS story....

Having no doubt learned their public relations skills from the Catholic Church, the Swiss government finally released a 600-page report saying that Switzerland shirked it's moral responsibilities to Holocaust victims during WWII.
The...study stems from Swiss efforts to explore their recent past given allegations, especially from Jewish groups, that Switzerland and its secretive banks enriched themselves amid the wartime agony that ripped apart Europe but left the Alpine state practically unscathed....The report casts a withering look at an anti-Jewish wartime refugee policy, extensive Swiss gold purchases from Nazi Germany even when it became clear some of the gold was looted, the use of 11,000 forced laborers in Swiss-owned factories in Germany, and a "disreputable" trade in stolen goods that sprang up.

Wow, shocking stuff, eh? And here I'd thought that the Swiss spent WWII gambling on the French Riviera. Of course, not everyone agrees with the report. Right-wing Swiss groups have slammed the report as "hopelessly slanted":

"A free country should not shell out taxpayers' money to confirm ... the opinions that were already in the heads of historians selected on one-sided political criteria," the right-wing Swiss People's Party said.

The real tragedy of the report, though, is that it comes 57 years after the defeat of Nazi Germany. Why it took so long for the Swiss to come to terms with their country's actions during WWII is beyond understanding. Perhaps Swiss officials figured that if they waited long enough, there would no longer be anyone alive to file a reparations claim.

Friday 3.22.02


Operator, can I have the number for 911?
- Homer Simpson

Everybody wants to rule the world....

Except me. All I want is a job. I'm managing to drag myself through the motions, but I'm not dealing with this well at all- and it's only been three days (I know- so stop whining, already). If you'd told me a week ago that I'd be having to look for work, I'd have laughed at you, although I couldn't have told you why. Now I'm having to face the reality, and the reality is I hate looking for work (I know; who doesn't?)

It's surprising how much of a strain being without an income places on everything in life- your marriage, your self-image, your frame of mind, ad nauseum. It's not a lot of fun. I need to see if I can land some freelance gigs in the meantime. I don't know what the hell that means necessarily, but it sure sounds good. Really, though, if I can figure out how to get some writing work coming in, perhaps, just perhaps, I can generate some income. Hmmm....

Back to the salt mines....

Wow, doing this by hand can be a monster. I decided yesterday that it was time to make some changes (or, Jack finally decides to try and figure out how to work with tables....) I must give credit to Charles Kuffner, whose source code served as inspiration. No, I didn't copy it, but I had to start somewhere, so I used it as a learning tool. In case y'all haven't figured it out yet, I'm no HTML god, although I am getting better. You can probably tell, because if you're using IE, the pages loads with a few errors. I just haven't figure out what those errors are yet. God only knows what this looks like in Netscape or any another browser....

Talk about doing things the old-fashioned way. I suppose sometime soon I'll get tired of doing things as I am. It's kind of like flying an airplane and building it at the same time. I'm just not sure how to land the damn thing.


Barcelona performance art, or Jack waiting for his next interview??

A Muslim voice of reason:

For those of you who may not think that such a thing exists, listen up. If you are interested in a voice of reason with a Muslim point of view, I would highly recommend Muslim Pundit. The author is, as the masthead says, Going after starry pan-Islamic futurists with a rubber glove and a sharp stick. It's well worth your time.

The politics of dead children.

Have sanctions against Iraq really murdered millions of children? Or has Saddam Hussein's depraved indifference towards any life but his own done the deed? The truth is not quite what you might think it would be. File this under "How reality is far less interesting (but far more accurate) than propaganda." (mattwelch.com)

Not the worst sin by any means....

When we begin to address the scandal that is beginning to consume the Catholic Church, let us remeber that sex is not the problem here. Andrew Sullivan nailed this one:
More specifically: Why can we not hold up marriage and committed loving relationships as the goal but not punish and stigmatize the non-conformists or those whose erotic needs and desires are more complex than the crude opposition to all non-marital and non-procreative sex allows. My mother's only instruction to her children about failing to adhere to the church's sexual strictures was a good one, I think. She told us that non-marital non-procreative sex was a sin, but it was not the worst sin by any means. And it was only a sin because it distracted from God - not because it was somehow terribly evil in itself. No more sinful than wealth or pride or cruelty or insensitivity or dishonesty - and often much less so. She demystified it for me, robbed it of some of its obsessive power. And it's the obsessive power of sexual repression that has so warped our current Church. Let it go. And let's focus on what really matters: love of neighbor, prayer, compassion, service, honesty, justice.

Thursday 3.21.02


Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand
- Homer Simpson

They don't like me! They really DON'T like me!!

Should an employer be able to fire an employee for opinions expressed in that person's weblog? Even if the company and people involved are never identified by name? It's happening, and more and more frequently. It's the biggest reason why I've never said anything about my own (possibly previous) employer. I believe in freedom of speech as much as anyone, but I've also been around long enough to know that it can, in reality, be a nice concept but little more. There are people out there who are afraid of opinions, and being in positions of power give them the ability to squelch what they so greatly fear.

Yes, freedom of speech and expression is enshrined in the Bill of Rights. So what? There have always been consequences for expressing opinions that may anger someone in a position of power. There are enough small-minded, mean-spirited, humorless people out there to staff an army. We've all run across them, and we'll continue to butt heads with them. The question becomes: Which is more important- our freedom of speech, or our continuing to draw a paycheck? I don't have the answer to that; I suppose it depends on which battles one is willing to fight. For my part, a small-minded, mean-spirited martinet will always be thus. My pointing it out to the world may make me feel better, but it likely will not change anything- except to place me in jeopardy.

The "real world" being what it is, all of us from time to time must bite our metaphorical tongue. It sucks, but self-preservation is generally a good idea. Besides, silence does not imply that you like or approve of your pointy-headed boss, but then you don't have to. This is still a free country, and thinking is still not a crime. Putting those thoughts out onto the Internet, though...well, lotsa luck. (Utne Reader)

Just add vodka:

Where do lonely American men go to find those fine Russian beauties? How about Russian Women, Inc.?
While other International Dating companies affix a charge to their services, we at Russian Women, Inc. offer these fine Russian beauties to you at no cost. How can we do it? Well, in many cases, the women's own families have paid us to get rid of the... I mean offer their loving services to well-to- do men of American persuasion.

No one blames Shrub for anything....

For those of you who are old enough to remember the Reagan Administration (greed is good, ketchup is a vegetable, trees pollute....), there seems to be one thing that Shrub shares with the Gipper. People are afraid to directly criticize him. Even when people DO complain, the venom is directed at his minions; nobody gets mad at Shrub. Think about it for just a second:
    Shrub gets kudos for cracking down on terrorism. John Ashcroft takes it in the shorts for abusing civil liberties.

    Millions lose their jobs, but Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill is the one who gets dissected in the press.

    The White House refuses to release information on meetings with corporate lobbyists, but disappearing VP Dick Cheney is the one taking the hits.

Shrub currently is enjoying public approval ratings in the 70-80% range, and I can't help but wonder: FOR WHAT? It's not as if Shrub has really done much of anything except be in the right place at the right time and overturn a bunch of Clinton-era initiatives. The man's vision, if it can be called that, has been taken wholesale out of the Christian Right's playbook. I don't think he has had an original idea since he was elected Governor of Texas.

I will grant him this, though. He, like Ronald Reagan, has developed an uncanny ability to absorb credit while avoiding responsibility. I didn't think he was smart enough to do that, but he just may have proved me wrong. (Anythink)


Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty

All I can say is: Jesus, what a freaking idiot....

Former Astro Derek Bell takes the "spoiled, pampered athlete" genre to a whole new low. When informed that he would have to compete for the starting right field job like anyone else, his response was classic Bell (that is, idiotic), saying "then I'm going into Operation Shutdown."

In an interview with the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Bell sounded genuinely shocked that he would be required to compete for a starting job. This from a guy who played in all of 46 games last year and hit a blazing .173. Why the Pirates are paying him $4.5 million per year is beyond me. Bell's salary is important for a couple of reasons. First, it makes him utterly untradeable (and if it doesn't, his .148 performance this spring certainly does). Second, it makes his release by the cash-strapped Pirates a lousy option, no matter how much visceral relief it might provide. I can only imagine how working-class Pirates fans are going to deal with seeing Bell's sorry ass in rightfield. If I were Derek, I'm not sure I'd turn my back on the bleacher crowd....

Wednesday 3.20.02


One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl.... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?", and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you; I don't even know you..." I said, "Well, sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Howdy, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein."
- Steven Wright

Today's Essay: From the stream of consciousness files....

Mood forecast: slightly to mostly crappy....

I'm afraid I'm not dealing with my newly-granted "freedom" well at all. Last week at this time, I was surrounded by people I enjoyed, doing work that I enjoyed and was (and still am) good at. Now, I'm at home, with 3 cats and a dog for conversation companions. Frankly, they're not much help. I'm trying to keep my frame of mind positive, but it's proving to be a real challenge. Frankly, I'm feeling rather abandoned right about now. And while I know that feeling sorry for myself isn't going to be productive, that IS the way I feel right now. This is not the vacation I needed....

I suppose this would be a good time for me to figure how to get some some freelance work. I know Susan would like the security of a paycheck and benefits, but it would be something to be able to work more or less on my own terms, wouldn't it? Hey, it's not like anyone is beating down my door right about now, so why not??

They like me! They really like me!!

Blog of the Day named me their Blog of the Day for yesterday. It's nice to have some positive news. It's especially sweet given the review my site got last week in The Weblog Review. Hey, sometimes you're the bear; sometimes the bear eats you. I don't expect everyone to adore my work, especially since it is still rather amateurish in many respects. Yeah, it's raw HTML; actually, it's about as raw as it gets. It's clunky and inefficient and very time-consuming, but so far I'm loving it. It's a learning tool and a work in progress. When I look back on what my site look like three months ago, I'm grateful for what I've learned. It looks SO much better now, and three months from now it will be even better. At some point, I'll probably end up using Movable Type or some other sort of content management tool. For now, though, I'm enjoying the fact that my site does not look like it came out of a box. There are tradeoffs, of course, but this works for now.

Have you stopped and asked yourself "WHY??":

Bob Jones III, the President of Bob Jones University (that noted bastion of reason and tolerance), says the word "fundamentalist" has become co-opted. Duh.... Jones and the rest of the social Nazis at BJU are among those who have put the "fun" in "fundamentalist".
"Bob Jones University is unashamedly Fundamentalist, but the term is beginning to carry an onerous connotation with the world at large because of the media's penchant for lumping Christian Fundamentalists in the same heap as Islamic Fundamentalists. Instead of Fundamentalism defining us as steadfast Bible believers, the term now carries overtones of radicalism and terrorism. Fundamentalist evokes fear, suspicion, and other repulsive connotations in its current usage. Many of us who are separated unto Christ feel it is appropriate to find a new label that will define us more positively and appropriately. It is too early in the process to know what term may ultimately be embraced by the majority, but I like Preservationist."

That's right; change your name, and eventually people will begin to forget the bigotry and intolerance that you have historically stood for. It's people like Jones who give Christians a bad name. Someone reading this will likely begin to think I'm militantly anti-Christian, and nothing could be farther from the truth. What I'm against is intolerance, bigotry, and judgmentalism cloaked in religious garb.

Jones may think that changing their favored nom de guerre will change how fundamentalists are perceived. Whatever they decide to call themselves, they will still stand for fear, suspicion, and radicalism. (Relapsed Catholic)

"User Pays"- wave of the future or desperate last gasp??

One of the latest trends on the Internet is "User Pays", fees for access to content. Given that offering something for nothing is not an easy way to make a living (particularly since the Internet advertising market went into the toilet), I suppose it makes sense. I mean, you don't see porn sites giving anything away, right?

The business models for many websites originally depended on income generated by generating traffic which viewed various sorts of advertising. That has proven to be a very difficult path to solvency, leaving only one option: selling what you have to offer, which is content. The unanswered question, though, is whether charging fees will be the answer. I suspect that success will vary from business to business, but there have been some surprisingly positive results already. Americangreeting.com, for example, has done quite well thus far. The Cleveland-based company has signed up nearly 1 million subscribers since December, when it began charging $11.95 to visit its most popular card sites -- AmericanGreetings.com, BlueMountain.com and eGreetings.com. American Greetings still offers free cards at two other company-controlled sites, BeatGreets.com and PassItAround.com, neither of which offer the same quality.

There are still people out there who refuse, on principle, to pay a fee for anything on the Internet. Their theory is that there is so much stuff out there that if you look hard enough you can find it for free elsewhere. That theory is likely correct, but for how much longer? In a capitalist society likes ours, how long can a website- or any business, for that matter- survive without generating income? It may not be pleasant to have to pay for things you used to get for free, but it is the way of the world.

Take that, Dickie V, baybeeeeee!!!
Kudos to Antwon for one of the all-time best rants on Dick Vitale, the single most obnoxious TV personality in the long and sorry history of that medium:

I kind of wonder what Dick Vitale would be doing if he wasn't the officially-designated College Basketball Analysis Guy for ESPN. I can't imagine that there's a massive global demand for obnoxious old men who make sure that every sentence that passes their lips must be exclaimed with the same intensity I would reserve for, say, accidentally slamming my genitalia into the coffee table when I got up too quickly from seeing Jesus Christ descend from Heaven to make a game-winning interception return during the Super Bowl. Doubly so for ones who are contractually obligated to punctuate fully 40% of their sentences with the word "baby!" in them somewhere. I'm pretty sure you could make a Dick Vitale sentence-generating script in about five minutes, provided you had a sufficient quantity of college names on hand to feed into the database. ("Shootin' from the line, baby! Number twelve seed slammin' it down! Southern Illinois all the way, baby!")

The only other profession that springs immediately to mind when I think of Dick Vitale is "stereotypical major music publishing company A&R man, circa 1985." He pretty much fits all the qualifications, anyway: old guy trying to act all young and hip, overly-loud and oppressively optimistic about everything, ability to casually refer to all friends and acquaintances as "baby"— he's got it all. I suppose he could kind of fit into the role of a car salesman, if he tried; he just wouldn't be a particularly good one. He wouldn't be one of those silky-smooth salesmen, the kind who exude confidence and coo with reassurance as they figure out how best to fleece you; he'd be the kind you see on local television channels, wearing a polyester suit while jumping up and down, screaming about how their particular used vehicles are far better deals than those to be found at any number of nigh-identical establishments throughout the tri-county area. ("1978 Dodge Colt, baby! Runs like it was made yesterday! Best deal in Southern Illinois, baby!")

They did WHAT?!?!

The NHL trade deadline was today, and the two teams who made the biggest impact were the Dallas Stars and the New Jersey Devils, who met in the Stanley Cup finals just two years ago. Dallas traded Jamie Langenbrunner and Joe Nieuwendyk for the Devils' Jason Arnott and Randy McKay. It's a huge shakeup for both teams, but since each club plays similar defense-first styles, I'm not sure how substantive the changes will be, unless you assume that the trade was made primarily because of the shake-up value. All four were instrumental in recent Stanley Cup championsips- Nieuwendyk and Langenbrunner in 1999, Arnott and McKay in 2000. The really interesting thing about the NHL's trade deadline is that it comes a month from the end of the regular season. That makes it an open question whether or not these four will be able to mesh with their new teams in time to make an impact in the playoffs.

Governor Goodhair and Richie Rich go mano a mano:

Republican Governor Rick Perry said yesterday that his vision is more substantive than that of Democratic opponent Tony Sanchez. Sanchez responded by saying that he could buy more votes than Perry. Stay tuned, kids; I don't think we're going to be taking the High Road on this one....

Tuesday 3.19.02


There's nothing wrong with this company that a Margarita machine can't fix.
- Richard Coleman

Life is what happens when you're making other plans:

Yesterday began like any other Monday. I got up, had breakfast, then faced morning traffic as I drove to the office. That, sadly, is about as far as normalcy went for the day. When I sat down at my desk, I'd barely had enough time to start up my computer before being called into the CEO's office. It was not a social call, and the lack of small talk meant the news was not good. Due to a lack of business, I'm being place on a two-week unpaid furlough. There was the caveat that "if business picks up", I could be called back, but I'm a realist, and it doesn't take a Ph.D. to see where this is heading. Over the past few months, post-9.11.01 and post-Enron, the consulting firm I work for has had a tough time drumming up new business. In short, there isn't any. With no visible means of support, and since operating capital does not grow on trees, it was, I suppose, only a matter of time until this happened. Still, denial is so much more than a river in Egypt. Because of that, I hadn't really given our prospects much thought.

So now I'm becoming a statistic. It's not the first time I've been laid off. I was laid off last year and walked right into this job. I was very fortunate; now I'm feeling much less so. In the moments when I feel sorry for myself, it's difficult not to feel somewhat jinxed.

I realize that the odds of my returning to work are not good. I'm fully expecting that I will be laid off in two weeks. Accordingly, my attitude now is that I need to find another job. It's not what I was expecting to have to do at this point in time, but there it is. Now what? Where to from here??

On a purely rational level, I know that this was not directed at me personally. At the moment, though, I'm not feeling particularly rational, and I am struggling to keep my emotions in check. I'm hurt and angry, and I know that I deserve better. I suppose that's a fairly natural by-product of dealing with what I am. I will say that while I would go back if recalled (I do, after all, need the paycheck), I'm not at all sure that it's something I want. I'm afraid that it will never be the same, that I will not feel wanted. Perhaps it's just my anger and frustration coming out, but that's the way I'm feeling now. Time might change my tune.

I realize that what I am entering into is no different from what many other people in Houston (and the rest of the country) are going through. Now I'm free to resent the support groups that Enron employees have, as well as the public sympathy they have garnered. What happened to them was terrible, but what about me? Where is Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and their media entourage now that I'm out of work?

In the end, I'll be OK. I have to be. After all, the other option isn't pretty. Thankfully, my wife has our financial picture so squared away that we can live (well, OK- survive) on her salary alone for the foreseeable future. That takes a lot of pressure off my shoulders, but it still doesn't make me feel good. Things could be a lot worse, though, and I know it.


My next career move????
The truly ironic thing about my situation is it mirrors an article I read in April's issue of The Atlantic Monthly. The article discusses what the author refers to as "layoff lust". The idea is that many people, post-9.11.01, have actually wanted to be laid off, so that they might have time to sit back and figure out what is most important to them. An interesting premise, and I suppose in some cases an accurate one. Let me say right here and now that I enjoyed my job, I was good at it, and I have no problem figuring out what is most important. I may lust after many things, but being laid off was definitely not one of them.

I do have time, though, and plenty of it. I'm going to make every effort not to seem morbid or full of self-pity, because there is still a chance I'll be called back. (Of course, there is still a chance I could be elected Queen of England.) I will, of course, be looking for a new job. I also plan on devoting a lot of time to working on my website and my writing. My hope is that something good will come of this- and soon.

The plan is to take a day and spend it feeling sorry for myself. Then I'm going to see what else is out there. Wish me luck, y'all....

In the meantime, would any of y'all happen to know anyone who's looking for a writer?

Monday 3.18.02


If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different.... I'd rather be completely fucking mental.
- Angelina Jolie

Today's Essay:
Buddy, can you spare a dime?

The world accoring to National Public Radio:
For the fifth year in a row, the automobile most popular among thieves is (drum roll, please) the Toyota Camry. Yippee! Guess what my wife drives?

We're #1!!!!!
Houston lays claim to being the Internet Kiddie Porn Capitol of the World. Operation Candyman managed to nab "Forty individuals in 20 states....with another 50 expected by weeks end. They include members of the clergy, law enforcement officers, a nurse, a teachers aide, a school bus driver, and others entrusted with protecting, nurturing and educating the American youth", [said] FBI Executive Assistant Director Bruce Gebhardt. Yikes....

Southern Illinois 77, Georgia 75
My stepson, Adam, goes back to Carbondale to enjoy the Madness as SIU makes it to the Sweet 16 for the first time since 1977. Meanwhile, a breathless nations wonders: "What in the hell is a Saluki anyway??"

Tipper Gore in 2004?
Apparently, Tipper has decided not to run after all. Too bad. It's not such a far-fetched idea. If Hillary Clinton can run successfully for Senate in New York, a state she didn't even live in, why not Tipper? She's intelligent, attractive, and very popular in Tennessee. Besides, how many guys would complain about being able to see her daughters out on the campaign trail? One of the most often heard lines from Al Gore's campaign rallies in 2000: "Dude, Gore's daughters are hot!!" Hey, people have been elected for worse reasons....

The Matthew Shepard Icon:

One of the big problems in the aftermath of a truly horrific crime is the temptation, however well-intentioned, to turn the victim into an icon. Matthew Shepard has become a symbol for all those who would fight against hate and the crimes that hate can engender. That sort of symbolism has it's pros and cons, I suppose. Fighting against hate is generally held to be a good thing, but does using a person as a symbol diminish that person and what he stood for? In Shepard's case, probably not, but it is still a risk.

I watched NBC's The Matthew Shepard Story on Saturday night. For a made-for-television movie, it was actually quite good, but what really struck me were the (intended or otherwise) parallels between Shepard's death and the crucifixion.

From the moment The Matthew Shepard Story begins—with the graphic bludgeoning of this frail young man—to its final close-up of a makeshift memorial cross, the film presents images that evoke the crucifixion (and, when the body is discovered by a policewoman, the pietà)....But the broader Christian themes of indifference to suffering, and of intolerance passing for righteousness, hover over this film, if only because they were present in the actual event. The fence to which Shepard was bound is a kind of cross. The bigots who picketed his funeral are like the mob that mocked Jesus. The plea from Shepard's parents to spare the killer's life was a Christian gesture. When people act out the stuff of religious myths, how can drama avoid it?

The parallels are unavoidable, and not necessarily inaccurate, but I think it cheapens Shepard's legacy to turn his life and demise into a morality play. Shepard died because he made an unfortunate decision one night by trusting someone who intentions he did not, and probably could not have, fully understand. His death was a tragedy, and one that no one- gay or straight- deserves. The fact that his murder was used by his friends and loved ones to do good is admirable. The flip side of that is that his death was also used by those who views are fueled by hate and bigotry to push their own agenda. The end result of this process is that Matthew Shepard was used by everyone involved. Is this a good thing? Hard to say, I suppose, but it does sadden me that in the end, Matthew Shepard becomes an icon and not much really changes.

The opposing sides in this case are locked in, unlikely to be swayed and totally convinced of their own correctness. I'd like to be able to say that minds were changed and tolerance furthered by all of the attention that has been given to Shepard's murder. Unfortunately, with both sides dug in behind their own emotional Maginot Lines, that is an unlikely outcome. Once this wave of publicity fades into the background, we no doubt will be left roughly where we started. So what exactly DID Matthew Shepard die for?

The road to the Frozen Four:
Though it doesn't get the monstrous publicity that the basketball tournament gets, the NCAA Division I Hockey tournament is, in my humble opinion, as least as much fun to watch. Game on, eh??

Wanna get away??
As a former caddie, I can only imagine what a nightmare this must be. A simple gesture of kindness on the part of a caddie ends up getting two players disqualified. I don't think I could dig a hole deep enough to disappear into....


And now you know....

C'mon, admit it; you've always wanted one of these....
Someone cuts you off in traffic (rat b@&*@^#!!!). You push the red button on your dashboard, center the sights on the offender's gas task, pull the trigger, and....POW! Off they go to meet their Maker! A company in Pennsylvania is marketing an SUV that gives a whole new meaning to the term "Urban Assault Vehicle". The vehicle has a hidden .50-caliber machine gun and grenade launcher that pops up in the back via remote control. Strictly speaking, it's designed for military and anti-terrorism use, but a man can dream, can't he? Damn, this would make my daily commute SO much easier and more enjoyable....

Can we just be friends?
Can men and women remain platonic friends? Or will the power and influence of sex inevitably interfere?

Warp Factor Two, Mr. Sulu!
Never has one man managed to make a living off two years of bad television in the way William Shatner has. And now he has his own website, complete with an online store. Only in America can a Canadian actor of minimal talent be so successful (Keanu Reaves, anyone??)

The Golden Whats??
I'll hazard a guess, and I suspect I'm right, that Kent State University hasn't had this much publicity since May 4, 1970. Their basketball team has knocked off Oklahoma State and Alabama in the NCAA tournament thus far- and looked good doing it. When the Sweet Sixteen gets underway next weekend, the Golden Flashes (not Flashers) will be there- and who would have predicted that??

Sunday 3.17.02


Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein



Today's essay: The New McCartyhism

Wisdom, close to home: This from my wife as we left Barnes & Noble yesterday: "Don't you find it ironic that we just spent $25 on books to tell us how to wisely spend our money?" Indeed....

Everybody wants to rule the world:

Too bad; we already do. No wonder the rest of the world hates us- they're jealous. Not only do we rule the world culturally and economically, now it is becoming clear that we rule it militarily as well. An article in yesterday's New York Times points up the gap in military tactics, hardware, and logistics between Europe and the United States.

The war in Afghanistan has helped delineate the difference between the military capabilities of the US and Europe. The US was able to quickly and efficiently deploy troops and materiel to Afghanistan because of it's logistical strength. Germany, the largest and most powerful European nation, had trouble moving it's 10,000-troop contingent to Afghanistan. Why? It had to rent Russian and Ukrainian transport planes on the commercial market.

In order to fight war on a modern scale, the Europeans are going to need to improve in several areas, most notably:

    Moving troops quickly by air

    Refueling planes while in flight

    Deploying precision-guided munitions

    Operating with battlefield radar from the sky

    Increasing research and development spending

    Increasing communication and encryption capabilities

    Increasing special forces capabilities

As things stand at the moment, as the article points out, the United States is the power that fights, the United Nations the power that feeds, and the European Union the power that finances. In the short term, this may be a workable division of labor, but over the long-term it will leave Europe woefully lacking militarily. It is difficult to win a war with a checkbook, especially when the Europe's armies and military doctrines are still geared towards fighting a Cold War-style conflict. Until Europe can adapt it's military preparedness to the post-9.11.01 world, the US will of necessity remain the power that fights. The problem with this is that the time will come when the US will no longer want to fight Europe's wars- unless European soldiers share the burden.

This is why I hate the commute: Five days a week, I drive to and from work on freeways crowded with angry, inconsiderate, aggressive, and dangerous drivers. I try very hard not to find myself among them, but the temptation can be almost too much to ignore. Houston is quickly becoming a city where the rules of the road can be summed up very simply: kill or be killed. An insurance representative says simply, "Houston drivers are just nuts". It's difficult to argue with her when you see what I do everyday. Is it really necessary to:

  1. Zip across three lanes of traffic at 20 miles per hour above the prevailing speed, all without using your turn signal?
  2. Fly past me, pull in front of me, and then immediately SLOW DOWN to a speed slower than what I had been travelling at?
  3. Tailgate me so closely that I can tell what is stuck between your teeth?
  4. Poke along at 50 MPH in the left lane?
  5. Come off your entrance ramp and cut me off, forcing yourself into my lane, without so much as looking to see if there is oncoming traffic? It's still a basic physical law: TWO BODIES CANNOT OCCUPY THE SAME PHYSICAL SPACE AT THE SAME TIME!!
  6. Pull, from a dead stop, into traffic travelling at highway speed, thereby forcing me to practically stand my truck on it's nose so I don't rear-end you?
  7. Switch lanes so that you can cut me off, therefore securing revenge for some imagined infraction, when you are the one who refuses to use your turn signal for anything except decoration?

One of the best sites I've found that addresses this issue is "How To Drive Like A Moron". It is darkly humorous, but there is a good deal of truth in the contents of the site. I realize that aggressive, inconsiderate, and incompetent driving is not native to Houston, but it's true; the drivers here are "just nuts".

Where eagles dare: Near a small town in Maine, a bald eagle picked up a dachshund in it's talons and flew off with it. The eagle carried the poor, unsuspecting wiener dog about 300 feet before dropping it. Now the dog is face about $1000 in repair bills. Ouch...

Saturday 3.16.02


Many a man has stood all his life, and in crowds, too, and yet never been noticed more than a lamp-post. Yes, less than that, for a lamp-post must by its nature hold up a lighted face.
- Max Brand



Wall to wall Enron coverage (ad infinitum, ad nauseum): Houston Chronicle; AlterNet; Enrongate; Yahoo!

Andrea Yates is one lucky woman. I suppose a lot of people here breathed a sigh of relief when the jury sentenced her to life in prison with a 40-year minimum. One more death would not have changed anything; there's been tragedy enough to go around. I'm not sure if justice has been done, but this is probably about as close as we can reasonably hope to get.

I'm a Twinkie!
What Snack Food are YOU? Click here to find out!

Southern Illinois 76, Texas Tech 68. My stepson's school beats Bobby Knight's Red Raiders. I'm always happy to see more dirt shovelled on Knight. I understand Tech's willingness to overlook his background because he wins, but that is exactly the problem. If Jeffery Dahmer had Knight's record, he'd probably be coaching in Lubbock now- and that is exactly what is wrong with college basketball. The game has long since lost it's value system. In the rush for the almighty dollar, people have forgotten that the word preceding "basketball" is "college". College is supposed to be about education and preparing young people to face the future. Ah, well, I'll stop whining and enjoy the games. It's not like I'm going to be able to change anything....

Governor Goodhair has a plan! Governor Rick Perry has actually come out with something resembling a plan. His education plan would provide state curriculum to day-care facilities, reimburse teachers who buy supplies for students and administer diagnostic and state assessment tests on-line.... The five-point plan calls for more education preparation for preschool children, dropout prevention initiatives, greater emphasis on science and technology curriculum, professional development and peer mentoring for educators and greater use of technology in instruction and assessment. It all sounds good, but it's going to take me some time to actually get over the shock. An original idea, emanating from Governor Goodhair's office? Be still, my foolish heart. It's good to know that the Governor actually has some ambition to do something positive, instead of merely vetoing whatever legislation happens to stray across his desk.

This is news?? The Pilot, the official newspaper of the Boston Catholic archdiocese, said in a special edition that the Roman Catholic Church must face the question of requiring priests to be celibate. The editorial, published Thursday in a special issue of The Pilot, asks whether there would be fewer scandals if celibacy were optional for priests and whether the priesthood attracts an unusually high number of homosexual men. It offers no answers, but says: "These scandals have raised serious questions in the minds of the laity that simply will not disappear."

The editorial was written by Monsignor Peter V. Conley, the paper's executive editor, who is said to be a close confidant of Cardinal Bernard Law, Boston's archbishop. Law is listed as the paper's publisher. The Catholic Church has been in denial about this problem for so long that I doubt they really have any credibility left. That having been said, I applaud Msgr. Conley for having the courage to question the wisdom of celibacy. Until now, courage and innovation has never been a hallmark of the Catholic hierarchy.

By requiring priests to deny their sexuality, the Church is forcing weaker members of the priesthood to subvert their own needs and desires. There are those priest who serve ably and nobly, and are able to maintain their vows, their dignity, and the respect of their parishioners. Unfortunately, a very small minority of priests have smeared the reputation of an honorable majority. Even so, no sympathy is due the Catholic Church. They have brought this scandal on themselves with their denial, obfuscation, and predilection for sweeping problems under the rug.

As to whether the Church attracts a larger than usual number of homosexual men, I will have to defer to those more familiar with issues surrounding homosexuality. I suppose this could be true, but should it even matter? If the Church offered the proper support for it's clergy, and made certain that those it ordained were of strong moral fiber, this would not even be a question worth pondering.

I've said all along that I am no fan of the Catholic Church. That's the Church, as in the hierarchy, NOT the practitioners. The leadership of the Catholic Church, from the Pope on down, needs to realize and admit that forcing men and women to deny their sexuality is to force them to deny a significant portion of their humanity. Could this scandal have been avoided if priests were allowed to marry? Perhaps. There, of course, is really no way to be certain of that. Nevertheless, allowing priest to be sexually active humans is simply the just and humane thing to do.

Who's the asshole on elimiDATE? Oh, it's me! Reality television is more than just a cultural phenomenon. It proves the theory that TV really IS a vast wasteland. My question has always been: "Who ARE these people so eager for their 15 minutes of "fame"? And why do they subject themselves to such demeaning crap?" This is the story of one contestant on "elimiDATE", the WB's entry into the reality genre. Again, why anyone would put themselves through something like this is beyond me. Apparently, the allure of the small screen is more than I can comprehend. I WILL be on national television and I WILL be looking like an ass.

Welcome to Scam Central: This arrived in my email box this morning. I couldn't help but wondering...do people actually fall for this crap??? Either that, or my naturally cynical nature is once again denying me untold riches.... Nah; I don't think so.

FROM WILLIAM CHUCKS AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT. FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT. INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA LOME -TOGO PLEASE REPLY WITH THIS E-MAIL ADDRESS confidential1@justice.com TELE.. 00228, 9905825 ATTN, PLEASE I AM WILLIAM CHUCKS,THE AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA

I am writing following the impressive information about your profile through the website your capability and reliability to champion this opportunity. In my department, we discovered an abandoned sum of 20 million US dollars (twenty million US dollars). In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family in September,1992 in a plane crash.

Since we got this information about his death, we have been expecting his next of Kin to come over and claim his money because we can not release it unless somebody applies for it as next of Kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking and financial policies but unfortunately we learnt that his supposed next of kin or relation died along side with him in the crash leaving no body behind to claim the money.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don t want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed bills.

The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after long pirod, the money will be transferred into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request for a foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and an indegine cannot stand as next of kin to the deceased family.

We agreed that 25% of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 5% will be set aside for expenses incurred during this transaction and 70 % would be for me and my colleagues. There after I and my colleagues will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated. Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the Bank as relation or next of kin of the deceased indicating your private, telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where the money will be remitted.

Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or e-mail the text of the application. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is 100% hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer. You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter. I decided to contact you as you have products of interest in your part of the world where we can invest our own percentage to avoid peoples awareness as we are civil servants.

We can conclude this operation within ten banking days. Please keep this very confidential. Contact me for more information, all confirmable before you apply if you want.May God be with you. Trusting to hear from you shortly for a detailed information which are confirmable before you can make up your mind to apply.Peace and love always,

Best regard

WILLIAM CHUCKS.

Friday 3.15.02

Life sure takes a long time to live.
- Steven Wright



Wall to wall Enron coverage (ad infinitum, ad nauseum): Houston Chronicle; AlterNet; Enrongate; Yahoo!

More than you ever wanted to know about the Andrea Yates trial....


What is your meaning of life?

Gentleman, start your engines.... Governor Goodhair (Republican Rick Perry) and Richie Rich (Democrat Tony Sanchez) got the Texas governor's race off to a swinging start. Perry begins the campaign with a $13 million warchest, while Sanchez is reported to have roughly $134.73 kajillion. This ought to be fun. In his acceptance speech after winning the Democratic nomination, Sanchez called Perry an "absentee" governor who had blown a $6 billion state surplus, had not done enough on education and had allowed Texas to become "a national leader in prison and jail escapes." Perry, for his part, declared...that Sanchez's statements were a continuation of the "incredibly negative" tone of the state Democratic primary. "I didn't hear one positive thing last night from Mr. Sanchez," Perry said. "It's just critical about our children, critical about our teachers, critical about our schools, critical about our parents. I'm going to lay out a very positive visionary approach to the future of the state of Texas." Perry later said that Sanchez has lousy taste in ties, and looks as if he's never learned to push himself away from the buffet table. Sanchez had no comment, uttering only a muted Spanish curse against Perry's mother.

Portland Trailblazers 132, Dallas Mavericks 106: Now why couldn't they have played this well earlier this season? Portland dismantles one of the best teams in the West, and makes it look easy. "If you didn't jump out of your seat, you really didn't like basketball at that juncture," said Blazers point guard Damon Stoudamire. "That run we had, it was just amazing."

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition: 25 North Korean refugees stormed the Spanish embassy in Beijing yesterday, demanding political asylum. The 25, including eight children, have threated to commit suicide if they are sent back to North Korea. Though the Chinese government traditionally have viewed North Koreans as "economic refugees", ignoring their political status, the issue of Korean asylum seekers has always been a delicate one. The North Korean embassy said it was looking into the case and there was no immediate comment from the Chinese government on a potentially embarrassing incident during the annual meeting of the National People's Congress, China's parliament. China is bound by treaty to repatriate North Koreans seeking asylum. This case may prove to be not so simple, since the refugees are on sovereign Spanish soil in the embassy. Stay tuned, kids. This could get ugly.

I'm not going to say "I told you so", but.... I've said all along the TXDOT's plan to lower the speed limit to 55 would do absolutely nothing to slow Houston drivers down, and it seems I was correct. Duh.... Sgt. R.D. Clawson of the Houston Police Department radar task force said he thinks some drivers are slowing down, so average speeds probably have dropped. But among drivers overall, Clawson said, studies have shown "very little compliance" even with 60-mph speed limits. While some drivers will always obey the law, Clawson said, the majority push it a little -- 5 mph or so above the posted speed -- and some just ignore it. Unless there is more money allocated for increased enforcement, an unlikely prospect at best, nothing will change. Meanwhile, I will continue to drive home at my usual 75-80MPH. I will refuse to feel guilty or to change until and unless TNRCC begins to deal with the real pollution problem in the eight-county metropolitan area: grandfathered refineries and chemical plants. But that would require aggravating some large political contributors, wouldn't it??


So who is sending our sons and daughters off to war??

The Laramie Project Archives: A collection of New York Times articles relating to the 1998 murder of Matthew Shepard, a gay student at the University of Wyoming. (login name: FRITOPIE, password: FRITOPIE)

"The area is synonymous with loss of life...." The intersection of Chicago and Franklin Avenues in South Minneapolis is not far from where I used to live. It is not a place one generally considers a destination, merely an area to get through without lingering. "Down here, my brother, you see more dead humans beings in the road than you do dogs," Sam Riley was saying. "Yes, sir, I am on the scene of numerous homicides. The area is synonymous with the loss of life, due to violence, due to social and economic downturn, due to ignorance, due to hatred towards one another." There are many things that can happen to a person in this neighborhood, but none of them are good. "We are trying very hard down here to save the community and salvage the people, but the thing that is very disturbing is that we have some people who don't want to be saved," Riley says. "If you came down here and stood on this street after 9 o'clock at night, I'd say you must be tired of living. You could pretty much stick a fork in your a--, because you're done."

Porsche joins the herd: It was just a matter of time, I suppose, until Porsche came out with their own SUV, the Cayenne. To look at it, you have to register (no doubt so they can sell your information and you can get spammed...). This seems somewhat disingenuous, but then it's all about creating excitement and anticipation, isn't? This is hardly an original idea. In a day and time when everyone from Kia to Mercedes sells an SUV, did Porsche simply not want to be left out? Why, indeed? And why name it after a pepper??

Eventually he'll get it right: The mayor of Beaumont answered "not guilty" 16 times when asked how he pleaded to charges of bribery, wire fraud, and money laundering charges. At least he's had plenty of practice....

A case of misdirected anger: Byron Hammick was banging the baby's head against the motel room wall. When ordered to release the child, Hammick, who was wanted on a felony warrant, refused to do so, and Portland police shot and killed him. Now Hammick's family is angry at the police. And the problem here is the police?? The Oregonian's Steve Duin thinks that the use of deadly force was the singular display of responsibility on that ugly night. And it has only been made to appear more reasonable in light of the reckless spin put on the shooting by a grieving family and the misguided leadership of the Albina Ministerial Alliance. Let's not forget that the family's babysitter was a felon strung out on PCP and methamphetamines.

Now THIS is unexpected: Tipper Gore running for her husband's old US Senate seat? Democrats in the state are anxious to win back the seat currently held by Republican Fred Thompson, who is retiring. Former Republican Gov. Lamar Alexander, highly popular in Tennessee, has announced his intention to run. Some Democrats have been looking for a "magic bullet" candidate who could create a buzz in the state. A source said the desire for a strong woman candidate inevitably brought people to the notion of Mrs. Gore running for office. "They love her down there," said a former Gore campaign staffer. Mrs. Gore has always been a somewhat reluctant political wife, so her desire to throw herself into the ring may be suspect. Her biggest advantage, though, would be a clean slate. With no track record, she can carefully craft her political persona. It would be interesting to see what kind of response her candidacy would receive. Besides, it's not as if Tennessee Democrats have many other viable options for a seat they desperately want to win back.

Now this is a medical breakthrough we can live with: Cardiologists from the University of Pennsylvania have announced that their research on heart attacks has taken a surprising turn. They have discovered that taking an aspirin, along with a fifth of bourbon daily, can "significantly reduce" an individual's awareness of a heart attack. [T]est subjects who were administered a single aspirin tablet in the morning, followed by a fifth of bonded Kentucky bourbon over the next several hours, were 85 percent less likely to realize that they were having a heart attack than those who did not take aspirin with bourbon. Predictably, your average man on the street is very excited about the news. "My four heart attacks have all been hellish," said Ronald Diering, an Evansville, IN, auto mechanic. "I was aware of everything that was happening, and I was gripped by the fear that I was going to die. But with this new aspirin-bourbon treatment, future heart attacks should be much less traumatic." (Commentariat)

That's what friends are for: A man in Northeast Houston ran over and killed one of his friends with a truck. OK, so it was an accident, but I'd hate to think of what the guy might do to someone he didn't like....

A touching letter, passed on to me by a co-worker:

A few weeks ago, I was rushing around trying to do some Valentine's Day shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up.

I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His Mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on Christmas).

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and made a run to my car.

Signed,

Kenneth Lay

CEO, Enron Corporation

Thursday 3.14.02

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
- Dave Barry



Today's essay: Those who can, do. Those who can't become critics.

Today in history: In 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin, an invention that revolutionized both America's cotton industry and it's gin industry.

Wall to wall Enron coverage (ad infinitum, ad nauseum): Houston Chronicle; AlterNet; Enrongate; Yahoo!

More than you ever wanted to know about the Andrea Yates trial....


Tony Sanchez: from picking produce to buying an election....

Baseball and common sense business practices: A contradiction in terms? Perhaps not necessarily. Satan (aka Commissioner Bud Selig) has decreed that Major League Baseball teams have until June to get their debt-to-asset ration to 40% or below. According to Satan's decree, teams could be fined, lose their payments from national broadcasting contracts or even be placed in trusteeship if they fail to comply with the rules. Of course, one of the interesting side effects of this rule is that it will penalize teams who tried to set themselves up for the future by signing many players to long-term contracts. Rationalized Satan, "The reason it wasn't enforced for a while was the economic fallout from the 1995 strike. I wrote this rule in 1975. I'm the father of the rule. The clubs have known for a long time that I was going to enforce it." It's another fine mess you've gotten us into....

Baseball and common sense, part two: In what is becoming an annual rite of spring, Darryl Strawberry was jailed on Tuesday for breaking the rules of his drug treatment center, where he has been serving two years of house arrest. Ironically, Tuesday was also Strawberry's 40th birthday. How many second chances can a man get??

Baseball and common sense, part three (Stoopid is as stoopid duz): Ruben Rivera, released by the Yankees for stealing a bat and glove from teammate Derek Jeter's locker, has admitted that he f#@&*d up- and how. "I made a rookie's error," the 28-year-old reserve outfielder said in a telephone interview with the Telemetro Canal 13 television station in his native Panama on Wednesday. No, you made a STOOPID mistake, something a rookie wouldn't even stoop to doing. Rivera was scheduled to make $700k this year, and he has to steal from a teammate?? I don't get it; what could possibly possess someone with that kind of salary to even consider doing what he did? Unbelievable....

Cool technology- from the government, of all places: Every now and then I run across a tremendously cool site. I'm always pleasantly surprised when it's done by a goevernment agency. NASA's Earth Observatory is a great way to learn things about the earth in a way that you really can't anywhere else. The high-level technology available on this site alone makes it worth the visit. Among the things you can learn about is this: Thanks to recent NASA research, digital pictures taken from a remotely piloted, solar-powered airplane will help growers harvest better coffee and provide support during future natural disasters. Seriously cool stuff....

From the "All Politics Is Local" file: The Minnesota governor's race is promising to be at least as interesting as the one here in Texas. It will certainly be one hell of a lot more entertaining. Any race with Jesse Ventura in it won't be lacking for storylines. The latest is the Minnesota GOP's new website: bigpromises.com, which is supposedly a chronicle of all the broken promises made by "The Body". Not being one to believe much of anything emanating from a Republican source, I'm rather skeptical about what promises have supposedly been broken. It will be interesting to see what effect this has on the political climate in Minnesota, though.

Are you Addicted to the Internet?
53%

Average@Internet-User.com (41% - 60%)
You seem to have a healthy balance in your life when it comes to the internet and life away from the computer. You know enough to do what you want online without looking like an idiot (most of the time). You even have your own Yahoo club or online journal! But you enjoy seeing your friends and going out to enjoy life away from your computer.

The Are you Addicted to the Internet? Quiz at Stvlive.com!

We're the government, and we're her to...oh, never mind.... Exactly six months after 9.11.01, a Florida flight school that trained two of the men received paperwork indicating that their student visa had been approved. There were predictable howls of anger from Congress, not that any member has ever been known to miss an opportunity to belabor the obvious for purposes of political aggrandizement. "This shows once again the complete incompetence of the immigration service to enforce our laws and protect our borders," said Rep. F. James Sensenbrenner Jr. (R-Wis.), who has co-sponsored legislation to break up the agency. "If you look at the chronology of this, it shows why the INS has to be dismantled and put back together again." Yo, Jim; the horse is already gone. Can you just shut up and close the barn door? (Drudge Report)

Disingenue: Britney Spears is a walking, talking sexual contradiction. Espousing chastity on the one hand, while vamping onstage on the other hand, the message clearly is one of hypocrisy and mixed meanings. Britney no longer has that patina of innocence, but she can't grow up. She's old enough to have sex. She can't get away with twirling her hair around her fingers and shrugging off the controversy she may arouse by "just being who she is". But losing her virginity means popping the cherry of her entire career. There's great importance in keeping her a virgin backstage, to maintain the fantasy of her innocence on stage. Problem is, she should have kept her mouth shut to begin with. By constantly denying she's had sex, she's attached a lot of shame to the notion of sexuality by virtue of, well, virtue. And by continuing to deny any link between her onstage and offstage persona, she undermines herself as a kiddie-pop star seeking grown-up status. Realistically, who cares whether Britney is getting any? My concern is the mixed message being conveyed to teenagers that are already far too sexually over-exposed as it is. What does Spears' Madonna-wannabe act contribute, except to her own self-aggrandizement and enrichment? I wonder if she cares, or is even conscious, of the effect her irresponsibility and dissolution can potentially have on teens?

YELLOW

You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding.

Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

Wisdom from the Australian outback. Thanks, Beamers (TPRS West Coast Correspondent)
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
    Smart man + smart woman = romance
    Smart man + dumb woman = affair
    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
    Smart boss + smart employee = profit
    Smart boss + dumb employee = production
    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
    Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
    A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.




Wednesday 3.13.02

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
- Drew Carey



Today's essay: "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" (Part Deux)

Today in History: (1781) The planet Uranus was discovered by Sir William Herschel. The unfortunately named planet would be the butt (no pun intended) of jokes for the next 200+ years.

Wall to wall Enron coverage (ad infinitum, ad nauseum): Houston Chronicle; AlterNet; Enrongate; Yahoo!

More than you ever wanted to know about the Andrea Yates trial....

The only month of the year when college basketball matters: Printable men's brackets in HTML format.

"His name is Robert...it was over a bottle of Xanax." This is something that should give any of us pause, regardless of where we live. Monday, a man shot another man six times in downtown Portland- in broad daylight, before hundreds of witnesses. The sheer audacity of the act is what makes this murder so chilling. The shooting took place near Pioneer Courthouse Square, what Portlanders refer to as the city's "living room". It's a great place to watch people, and, apparently, a murder. A man simply walked up to his victim, demanded the man's Xanax, and fired six shots into him when his demand was refused. "He just kept shooting him," said Anika Tudorache, who was watching from the windows of Heald College, across the street. "And then he walked away. He didn't run, he simply walked away. He was trying to re-load the thing, but he couldn't, so he just kept walking."

It sounds like someone slept through English class.... Britney Spears, on rumors that she and her boyfriend have split up: "No that's not true. Me and Justin did not split up." Uggghhhh....

"An extremely sick woman:" Andrea Yates was convicted of 5 counts of capital murder yesterday. Essentially, the jury said that Yates was aware that what she was doing was wrong, and as such did not meet the legal definition of insanity. It should go without saying that there are no winners in this case. The Texas standards for insanity have been exposed as woefully inadequate, and there is simply no way that the Texas legal system can adequately address a case of this magnitude. My position has softened somewhat; I no longer believe that this is a black & white case of Andrea Yates' obvious guilt. Does she still deserve the death penalty? I am less certain of that now than I was at the trial's outset, but I would still certainly hold the death penalty as an option. I suppose this is a predicable outcome of a case like this. In the final analysis, though, I believe that killing Yates will not bring back her children. Of course, neither will treating her for her mental disease(s). I suppose the truly humane thing to do under the circumstances would be for Yates to receive treatment and spend the rest of her life in the Texas correctional system. Will one more death do anything except give a few devoid-of-compassion Conservatives a warm and fuzzy feeling? Probably not.


Yates guilty: Death or life in prison?

Minnesota Fat: Houston may have earned the title as this country's "fattest city", but Minnesota isn't far behind. Obesity, according to Surgeon General Dr. David Satcher, is quickly becoming a serious public health issue. Read the 5-part series from the St. Paul PioneerPress.

Spring must be here.... OK, so it wasn't exactly a blockbuster, but it's a sign that Spring is just around the corner. The Houston Astros traded 3B Chris Truby to the Montreal Expos for 3B Geoff Blum. I'm not sure what the upside is for the Astros, since Blum is something like a career .235 hitter. As for Truby, how would YOU feel, being traded to a team that likely will not even be around next season? This doesn't exactly secure his future, does it??

Shrub: The terrorists responsible for 9.11.01 must have been watching the "Jerry Springer Show"....

Does email make us mean? According to a survey, 55 percent of [London office workers] confess to using e-mail to stab their colleagues in the back and promote their own careers. A large percentage also admits to sending sexist, racist, or pornographic messages at work. There is something about the one-sided nature of email that allows people to communicate things and in ways they would never dream of doing in a face-to-face conversation. The most notorious e-mail ever sent in [England] was on 9/11, when Jo Moore, a political adviser to the minister of transport, circulated her colleagues with a message suggesting this would be a good day on which to "bury" some bad news about the railways. Email is the perfect vehicle for avoiding a difficult or painful face-to-face conflict while at the same time poisoning the well. Speaking from my own experience, I've always been amazed at the degree of incivility that can pervade email communication. It's as if the sender feels an implied immunity and a lack of responibility for the impact of his or her words. Hey, the Golden Rule still applies, folks....


The UN endorses "the vision" of a Palestinian state

Perhaps there is hope yet: Macedonia has been offered $515 million US dollars in international aid to rebuild the country. Though Macedonia currently enjoys a fragile peace, last year's six-month civil war between Albanian rebels and government forces left the country in a perilous economic condition. Most of the funds will be used for helping the Macedonian government balance its budget this year, with the remainder allocated for rebuilding homes, schools, power lines and other facilities. More than $22 million would also cover costs of implementing the peace deal, including the removal of land mines, decentralising government, improving teaching and promoting the use of the Albanian language. Kudos to the World Bank and the European Commission for (finally) stepping up to the plate and recognizing their shared responsibility. I hope that this aid package will turn out to be the push in the right direction that Macedonia needs to learn to become a peaceful multi-ethnic state. Skopje, and indeed all of Macedonia, is a absolute jewel, a place that most American know little if anything about. I would highly recommend it as a lovely, peaceful, and out of the way vacation destination. Think Greece without the noise and pollution....

Gee, Nic, I'd love to help, but my wife would likely divorce me.... Nicole Kidman needs a date for Oscar night. Can anyone out there lend a single, rich, Australian girl a helping hand?? I thought so....


Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

Democratizing anatomy: A controversial exhibition of human corpses in various stages of decomposition is about to open in London, and to some very mixed reviews. In it, the corpses are shown with their skin stripped off and a variety of body parts, such as arteries and nerves, on view. It includes a pregnant woman with her womb opened to reveal a seven-month old fetus and two people riding a horse, also stripped of its skin. The aesthetic value of the exhibition can surely be debated, but it is the educational aspect of it that fascinates me. I'm sure that some would find the display of human corpses to be nothing short of gruesome and ghoulish. When I think about it, though, I'm struck by how little we as a species know about the ways in which our bodies work. We spend, in some cases, upwards of 70 years in our skin, and yet know nothing of the anatomy and physiology that makes us what we are. I'm not sure I could stomach the exhibition myself, but I certainly won't question the educational value of it. (Drudge Report)

Stupid teammate tricks: Ruben Rivera was released by the New York Yankees, supposedly for stealing a glove from teammate Derek Jeter and selling it to a memorabilia dealer for $2,500. What I find so disturbing about this is the fact that Rivera was due to make $700,000 this year- not a lot by major league standards, but certainly enough to be able to buy the glove from Jeter if he wanted it so badly. I suppose this goes to show that you don't need a Ph.D. in order to play major league baseball.

You never really appreciate what you have 'til it's gone: Orlando is a city that exists largely off it's vast tourist industry. After 9.11.01, Orlando saw a sizable decline in tourism. The effect of that decline are still being felt. Before 9.11.01, it was fashionable for the locals to gripe and moan about tourists. Then they left, and they didn't come back. [A]fter Sept. 11, the wretched tourists dumped us just like that. They weren't afraid of the Terminator at Universal Studios, but they were afraid to fly. They weren't afraid of dropping 30 stories on Tower of Terror at MGM, but they were afraid of Osama bin Laden dropping bombs at Disney World, Church Street Station and the outlet malls. Hotel reservations took a 77 percent dive. Unemployment in the Orlando metropolitan area climbed to 5.1 percent. Profits plummeted, which led to shorter operating hours. State lawmakers called two special sessions to address a $1.3 billion decline in state revenue caused by the shortage of tourists. We hate tourists when they're here, but we hate them even more when they aren't. Sometimes, when the gods want to punish us, they answer our prayers.... (Anythink)

I do so.... The next time someone tells you that you don't know jack shit, you can prove that do indeed know Jack Schitt.... (Book of Paige)




Tuesday 3.12.02

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
- Anonymous



Today in Hockey: (1966) Chicago's Bobby Hull becomes the first player in NHL history to score more than 50 goals in a single season. He recorded his 51st goal in a 4-2 victory over the New York Rangers.

Wall to wall Enron coverage (ad infinitum, ad nauseum): Houston Chronicle; AlterNet; Enrongate; Yahoo!

More than you ever wanted to know about the Andrea Yates trial....

The only month of the year when college basketball matters: Printable men's brackets in HTML format.

High adventure in River Oaks: Should I be concerned about a restaurant named "Backdoor Sushi"??

Give me your huddled masses.... 3,000 Pakistanis want to become citizens of the northern European country of Ladonia. The problem is, Ladonia exists only in the mind of Swedish artist Lars Vilks. The product of a extremely creative artist with too much time on his hands, or just another vehicle to sell T-shirts? While you're deciding, you can apply for citizenship, join the Ladonian Coast Guard, or get a free email account. I LOVE the Internet....


A 9.11.01 "Tribute in Lights"

The Naked Truth: Cincinnati, a city long noted for it's provincial attitudes towards nudity and sex, has enough nude statues within it's city limits to make John Ashcroft blush. Fortunately, this isn't Washington, where Ashcroft's narrow-minded prudishness has led to the Justice Dept. spending thousands of tax dollars in order to cover up a statue. Justice may be blind, but in Ashcroft's Washington, it damn well better not be naked. Cincinnati, however, seems to have no problem living with a public double standard. (Anythink)

A reminder that war is a deadly business: Lest any of us forget that war is (to paraphrase George Patton) more than just making the other poor dumb son-of-a-bitch die for his country, TIME magazine has an excellent article on Operation Anaconda. The enemy had nothing to lose, and US soldiers were fighting for their lives. Yes, Virginia, war IS often more than just dropping smart bombs down your eneny's chimney....

News Flash: In a warning to baby boomers (yes, that includes me...), doctors are now cautioning patients to be good to their knees- you'll miss them when they're gone. Wow, the next thing you know they'll be telling me to eat my vegetables....

Go youse guys!! In an effort to make itself more attractive to potential employees, the Mafia has announced that it will provide benefits to same sex partners. "The days of discrimination against homosexuals in the Mafia are over," stated attorney and peacetime consulieri Tom Hayden. "Partners of homosexual gangsters will now have the same benefits that the wives of straight gangsters receive. These include health insurance, a portion of tributes paid, 401k inclusion, and vengeance rights if their partner is shot 15 times in the head by a rival gang." Also included will be a newfound sensitivity towards those that Mafiosi had previously disparaged. "We ain't gonna say tings like, 'Blow it out cha ass, Louie,' or, 'Why don't you just take it up the ass, bitch,' to be sensitive and all," declared lifetime made man Sammy "One Chin" Castigliano. "It'll be a transition, but an important one," he said. "Just like from bootlegging to drug smuggling, or from Frank Sinatra to Tony Bennett."

I suppose wandering in the desert doesn't seem so bad anymore.... Jews, whose 10,000 year term as God's "Chosen People" had recently expired, have been reappointed for another term. Asked if the descendants of Abraham shouldn't be pleased about being tapped for an unprecedented second term, Jerusalem Rabbi Ben Meyerson shrugged. "Of course, you are right, we should be thrilled," he said. "We should also enjoy a good swift kick in the head, but for some reason, we don't. The announcement was not exactly met with universal approval, as a large percentage of Jews had hoped that another religion would be chosen. When asked for a reaction, the response of one Jew was simply "Ha ha ha....Shit."




Monday 3.11.02

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother: who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
- Anonymous



May you always be as vivid as your hallucinations.


Today's essay: Life is exactly the same, and yet totally different

Today in Hockey: (1987) Playing in career game #620, Edmonton Oiler Wayne Gretzky records his 1,500th career point vs. the Detroit Red Wings.

Wall to wall Enron coverage (ad infinitum, ad nauseum): Houston Chronicle; AlterNet; Enrongate; Yahoo!

More than you ever wanted to know about the Andrea Yates trial....

The only month of the year when college basketball matters: Printable men's brackets in HTML format.

Six months later: As we will all hear repeatedly of the course of the day, today marks six months since the attacks of 9.11.01. It's not a stretch to say that life is not the same, likely for any of us, but life today at least LOOKS similar. The events of 9.11.01 are never far from the surface. I haven't gone a day since 9.11.01 without hearing a news story or reading a newspaper article about some aspect of the tragedy. For most, thankfully, the changes are fairly subtle, just below the surface. Most of us have gotten on with the business of living. Those of us who lost friends or loved ones still deal with various types of grief. As a country, though, we've gotten on with the business of living, because there is no other option. That is the best memorial we can offer to those we've lost.

The victims: A searchable list.

A nation remembers: Shrub leads the nation in a day of rememberance.

Perspectives on 9.11.01:

What's changed and what hasn't: Basically everything. Life is exactly the same, but it is at the same time totally different. If I need to explain it, you likely have been living a cave for the past six months. Six months after Sept. 11, here's what's changed: The federal government, its budget and its public image. The focus of U.S. foreign policy. Security measures at airports, seaports and border crossings. The nation's sense of patriotism, cohesion and vulnerability. The lives of almost 1.4 million people in the armed services, including more than 78,000 reservists abruptly yanked from their civilian lives. And, of course, the fates of the victims, their families and friends. Here's what hasn't changed much: Everything else. All the king's horses and all the king's men can't put this one back together again....

It needs to be said.... Actor Alec Baldwin has a well-deserved reputation as an unvarnished liberal. I may not agree with his methods, but I do admire his ability to thoroughly piss off conservatives. His latest diatribe compares the damage done to democracy in the 2000 Presidential election to the damage done to the nation by the attacks of 9.11.01. The choice of topics may be sensitive, but I applaud his ability to make people think. Getting a reaction is not necessarily a bad thing. (Drudge Report)

This just in: Pizza is health food!!!!


Which Evil Criminal are You?

Now THIS is creepy: After being on display for the past 23 years, Cambodian officials have dismantled a 129-square-foot wall map that was created using 300 human skulls. The removal of the icon of atrocities follows years of sporadic debate inside Cambodia over the appropriateness of public display of remains of Khmer Rouge victims found at 'killing fields' memorials around the country. I can understand the need to remember the terror created by Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge, but a map made of human skulls does seem a bit over the top.

How to look and act like a native in the Big Apple: For those of you planning on travelling to New York, you might want to review this etiquette guide.

Eco-war comes to the Coast Range: The northwest US has always been a hotbed of ecological/ideological conflict. Now the next battleground is coming into view: Oregon's Coast Range. Situated between the Portland area and the Pacific Coast an hour to the west, the Coast Range is a thinly populated but heavily wooded expanse of territory that means habitat to eco-liberals and dollar signs to lumber companies. Let's get ready to rumble....

The Office of Marital Influence: no job, no training, no money, no problem! Get Married!! What are we to make, then, of President Bush's request last week for $300 million to encourage welfare recipients to marry? Is he planning to, like, drop flyers from airplanes onto the ghettos of urban America? With diagrams for the illiterate and maybe a Pop Tart or two? (Most importantly, will prospective recipients be told the full truth about marriage?) Of course, no one hoping to maintain any amount of political capital will oppose Shrub's plan to promote marriage, but what is he REALLY hoping to accomplish? And is a government program REALLY the way to accomplish those objectives? Or is this just a thinly-veiled attempt by Conservatives to force-feed their narrow, moralistic world-view down the throats of the poor and down-and-out? It's the moral equivalent of the Salvation Army forcing supplicants to sit through a sermon before mealtime. It's just wrong. At it's base, this is an attempt by rich, well-fed white Conservative Christians to force their value system upon those who are economically dependent on government. Those of us who still believe in the separation of church and state should be alarmed. I am....

Consider the flying pigs a warning: London's Sunday Times has taken it's shot at predicting the future. I'm not sure how much of it is done with tongue firmly implanted in cheek, but it does have a humorous undertone.

My Mormon name is Bracken Clemouth! What's yours?

Besides, it's great on hamburgers.... In a medical first, doctors at Johns Hopkins University have successfully increased the length of a man's penis by using a pickle. The recipient, a 31-year-old New Jersey man, was ecstatic with the results. He had sought the surgery because his penis was significantly undersized, and had caused him much embarrassment with sex partners as well as in his gym's locker room. "People can be cruel, but just wait till they get a load of THIS!" said Nefari, brandishing his new, longer, somewhat greener penis. "They're not going to laugh at ME anymore." Officials at Johns Hopkins expect there is a great deal of pent-up demand for this type of surgery, but will begin slowly by advertising only at kosher delis in New York City.

Turn on, tune out...oops, wrong icon.... Wavy Gravy is more than just a aging 1960's countercultural icon. He's become a cottage industry. I LOVE the Internet....






Sunday 3.10.02

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- George Carlin



Today's essay: At least Dubya was entertaining....

Wall to wall Enron coverage (ad infinitum, ad nauseum): Houston Chronicle; AlterNet; Enrongate; Yahoo!

More than you ever wanted to know about the Andrea Yates trial....

Denver Nuggets 109, Portland Trailblazers 106: Portland's 12-game joyride comes to an end...

Game on!! Day 4 of the Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament (Championship games)....

2002: the year all the free stuff left the Internet. Business models are changing, as site owners discover that giving away content isn't a great way to make money, especially if you have no advertising revenue to speak of. There are still some unanswered questions about this new fee-based model. One, will enough people be willing to pay? Two, who will collect the money? The answers could, over time, change the Internet as we know it. (Anythink)


Things could always be worse; you could be living in Minnesota....

This should be obvious, but... The pedophilia crisis within the Catholic Church holds lessons for any organized religion. Morality, by definition, requires compassion and empathy for everyone, not just those in a particular community of faith. And that means respecting society's consensus about what is legally right and wrong, and then obeying those laws. The Catholic Church especially, but all churches generally, need to remember that they are a part of secular society, and as such are bound by the laws that govern secular society. Protecting criminals because they are "your own" ignores the fact that these rogue priests are criminals, not "moral transgressors".

How America's Foolish Sentencing Policies Endanger Public Safety: David Kopel writes that one big problem with "three strikes laws" is that too many non-violent or low-level offenses are counted as a strike. We've all heard the stories about someone who stole a cream pie from a 7-11 being sentenced to life in prison without parole because it was his "third strike". Does this serve the public interest, and if so, how? Should we as a society be in the business of warehousing offenders whose punishments clearly don't fit the crime? There is little political capital to be gained by revising sentencing guidelines, but it clearly is the morally correct thing to do. (Memo to Conservatives: Seldom will you find me in agreement with ANYTHING that comes out of the Cato Institute, so enjoy it while you still can....)


Amen....

Not your AVERAGE New York Liberal: Reports of Sandra Berhhard's demise have been very mistaken. Turning 46 and being the parent of a small child has not mellowed Berhanrd, who doesn't take kindly to being dismissed as a "liberal New Yorker. "I'm an intelligent person from America....I was born in Michigan and raised in Arizona, and while I do reside in New York, I travel the country extensively. Any thinking person who lives in the world would be disturbed at what's going on right now. I think Bush is amateurish and self-serving, and frankly it's disgusting. I think everybody is covering their asses with the Enron scandal and it was very convenient that Sept. 11 came along to deflect the fact that they should never have been in the White House in the first place. What happened in the election was completely corrupt." Amen.... (Drudge Report)

Now THIS makes me feel old.... When I was a kid, I always had a sizable collection of singles- one-song records with a larger center hole than conventional LP's. To play it on a phonograph (yes...pre-cassette, pre-8track, pre-historic), you had to clip an adapter into the center hole. Singles were a good way to collect hit songs that you really liked, and every now and then I'd get one that had a pretty cool B-side as well. Now, singles are going the way of eight-tracks, turntables, and Betamax. It's progress, I suppose, but it's still a bit sad to say goodbye to a chunk of my childhood.

Normally, this is a family show.... I just couldn't resist posting this from Beamers, the TPRS West Coast Correspondent. Thanks!!

The Top Australian TV Bloopers

Harry Carpenter commentating on the boat race: "Ahh, isn't that nice? The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night."

Trevor Brooking talking about David Beckham's groin strain during the recent England v Germany match: "He's certainly led by example this evening and his groin's stood up superbly."

Peter Alliss on Rivero's golf drive: "Gosh, what an enormous one for such a little chap!"

Lorraine Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one."

Chris Tarrant was trying to help a female contestant name a famous motor-racing commentator. The answer was Murray Walker, so Chris said: "I'll give you a clue. His name sounds like something hard that tastes good when you suck it." "Ah," she replied. "It must be Dickie Davies."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes: "Colin had a hard one on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown: "Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol."

David Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers man." "Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."

Arthur Negus was well impressed by two glass decanters on the Antiques Roadshow. He told their attractive owner: "That's the nicest pair I've seen in ages."

During a snooker match, Jack Karnehm remarked: "This is a very difficult shot, he's only got one and a half inches between his balls."

Lowri Turner discussing high heels on Looking Good: "Some women will do anything for that extra three inches."

Here is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commenting on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil,tell us about your amazing third leg."

Beatrice Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room."

David Coleman: "That's the fastest time ever run, but it's not as fast as the world record."

During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

Charlie Dimmock was helping Alan Titchmarsh with a tree stake on Ground Force. "How far am I in?" he asked. "About eight inches," Charlie replied. "I need a few more inches than that ."

A mind-blowing insight from tennis expert Pam Shriver: "They don't come any quicker on the women's tour than Sugiyama."

Carol Baxter was trying to identify an apple when she opined: "And this one tastes like Cox."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

Steve Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside him." The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away. "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Chain Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors: "That's enough Dick for both of you."

Expert David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."

Slimming expert Sally Ann Voak was talking about John Suchet's belly when she said: "I'm sure you have a little bulge down there John."

Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."

Brough Scott: "And there's the unmistakable figure of Joe Mercer...or is it Lester Piggott?"

Dan Maskell: "And here come the Gullikson twins, both from Wisconsin"

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."




Saturday 3.9.02

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
- Dave Barry



Wall to wall Enron coverage (ad infinitum, ad nauseum): Houston Chronicle; AlterNet; Enrongate; Yahoo!

Today's essay: We have shrinkage!!

More than you ever wanted to know about the Andrea Yates trial....

"Suffering under a great injustice." In 1943, Ansel Adams took his camera to the Manzanar War Relocation Center in California and documented the plight of Japanese-Americans interned there. For those who believe a picture can be worth a thousand works, here is documentary proof.

Portland Trailblazers 82, New Jersey Nets 73 Portland wins it's 12th straight. Quoth the immortal Maurice Cheeks, "Who would have ever thunk it? I certainly wouldn't have thunk it, and they certainly wouldn't have thunk it, and I'm sure you certainly wouldn't have thunk it. But we try not to talk about it. We have much further to go than winning 12 games." Next up: the Trailblazers visit the rich, creamy Nuggets in Denver. Go youse guys!!

Game On!! Day 3 of the Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament....

Minnesota 7, North Dakota 2 Whoda thunk it??

Game on, eh?? Canada is a nation of just over 31 million people, and every one of them has the same job title: hockey general manager. After the Olympics, these 31 million GM's are making some real noise about changes that need to be made in the NHL game. It appears that the Lords of Hockey may finally be listening. Here's my two cents: lose the neutral zone trap, get rid of the red line, and implement the 15-second faceoff rule. Perhaps then, NHL hockey will become the game of speed and precision it should be, instead of the mugging on skates it is now.

Special K: Atlanta's 18-year-old rookie, Ilya Kovalchuk, is poised to be the NHL's next big superstar. Just ask him.

Is money the root of all politics? The conventional wisdom used to be that one should not be able to buy one's way into office. Apparently, the conventional wisdom was mistaken. The past few years have seen the rise of a new phenomenon: the wealthy political novice. Rich men running for office is not exactly a new concept (e.g.- Ross Perot, Michael Huffington), but now it seems the next logical step for the rich, highly successful business man in search of a new challenge. Approaching an election with deep pockets and long arms is a hugh advantage for any candidate. This is particularly true if the candidate in question doesn't mind spending $10 million, $20 million, or more of his or her own money. Hey, it's only money; what good is it if you can't use it to buy yourself an election?

So which letter of the alphabet matches YOUR personality, huh?

Today's question: Why does the US have a military base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba?

What we have here is failure to properly propagandize: I have always strongly believed in airing many varied viewpoints. At times, I have erred on the side of pissing off almost everyone I know. THIS one is almost beyond the pale- even for me. The headline is enough: Were the 9-11 Hijackers Really Arabs? Maybe Not. Yes, as you might assume, the website is a Muslim site. Even so, I was surprised by the effort put forth by the author to support his contention that the 9.11.01 hijackers COULD have been radical Jewish extremists. Well, certainly, they also COULD have been the offensive line of the Baltimore Ravens. The fact is, they weren't. Did Ariel Sharon help orchestrate the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks to instigate all-out U.S. war against Israel's enemies? Don't discount it. Yeah, and don't bet on it, either. How creepily cynical can you get?? (Commentariat)


The latest in the battle of media graphics....

The debate within: Everyone in the US government seems to agree that the ultimate objective is to bring down Saddam Hussein. The question, of course, is how best to accomplish this? In an article from the New Yorker, Seymour Hersh examines the debate within the halls of power. My question is this: Even though Saddam Hussein is unquestionably a mean, nasty, morally objectionable leader who cares more about power than about the people he rules, is it the moral obligation of the US to remove him from power? At what point does our meddling in a country's internal affairs become a threat to our own national interests? Do we even have the RIGHT to remove Saddam? If so, by what means? I'm not at all certain that removing Saddam,by whatever means, wouldn't place the US in violation of international law. (Unknown News)

The latest bloodsport? For your listening and dancing pleasure, I offer Googlesuiting. People search online for copyright infringements and other legal infractions. When they stumble across one, they send out their own form lawsuit and force a settlement. Sometimes, I still think Hamlet had the right idea (paraphrased: "First we'll kill all the lawyers"). I say this, of course, with full knowledge of the fact that some of my relatives and good friends are attorneys, and my oldest stepson wants to go to law school.... (C:\PIRILLO.EXE)

Did you know?:
  1. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
  2. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
  3. A shrimp's heart is in its head.
  4. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
  5. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
  6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so - apart from Bones ).
  7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
  8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
  9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetic Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
  10. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
  11. Rats and horses can't vomit.
  12. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
  13. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
  14. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
  15. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
  16. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
  17. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
  18. Thirty-five percent