"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
- Dan Quayle

Tuesday 11.20.01

And the poor shall (apparently) always be among us....According to the 2000 Census, 27% of female-led households (no husbands present) in Houston are living in poverty. These families, already living on the economic margins, are at greater risk during economic slowdowns. If charity truly begins at home, wouldn't this seem an obvious place to start?

The poor shall always be among us: part deux: Combine an economic downturn with all of the money that was donated to 9.11.01 relief efforts, and it's not hard to understand why giving is declining. With the holiday season among us, charities are finding that demand for services is up, while donations are down. Even where there is no evidence of less available funds, there is a pronounced increase in uncertainty.

Meanwhile, on the other end of the economic spectrum.... Conoco and Phillips Petroleum announced yesterday that they plan to merge, creating the nation's largest oil company. Yet another case of rich, well-fed white folks getting yet another helping.

Ibrahim Rugova, given up for dead politically just a year ago, won Kosovo's presidential election. The large Serb turnout has given hope to the international community. The results fall unfortunately short for those who demand Kosovo's independence from Serbia. At least one former Albanian guerilla has exchanged the bullet for the ballot box.

Having problems finding an apartment? Things could be worse; you could be living in Moscow with a swimming pool over your head.

Who wants to be a millionaire??The US government has announced a $25 million reward for information leading to the capture of Osama bin-Laden. You know, there was a strange-looking guy in our back yard yesterday afternoon....

9.11.01 and the Theory of Everything.

The United States of Oil. Shrub and Dick Cheney are both ex-oil tycoons. Both have maintained close ties to the oil industry. So who is really calling the shots here??

Henry Waxman is accusing the Shrub Administration of taking it's cues in international negotiations from Philip Morris. The US may be a world leader in research and tobacco-control programs, but we're also a world leader in exporting death. During my time in Kosovo, it was common to see 10-year-old children selling cigarettes on street corners in Pristina. Most of the brands those children sold, and continue to sell, are American.

Arab-Americans may think they have a problem in this country (and they likely do...). Things could be worse, though; you could be an Arab in Afghanistan. Talk about having to watch your back....

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. In April, an American reconnaisance plane was hit by a Chinese F-8 fighter and forced to land on the Chinese island of Hainan. So what did the Chinese learn? Well, as David Letterman once said, "Americans smell like AquaVelva and Doritos."

Perhaps the world hasn't changed as much as we thought it had. Or perhaps it wasn't the world that needed to change, but the people inhabiting it.

Breaking News: Al Gore is off the unemployment rolls. Perhaps now he'll be able to get Tipper a decent Christmas gift....

Monday 11.19.01

It's official; the gloves are off. Though the majority of the country seems willing to give Shrub a free ride (an approval rating of something like 84%), I cannot sit so idly on my hands. Though I have, up until the past few days, observed a self-imposed moratorium on criticizing the President, I no longer feel bound by those constraints. The time has come when people must step back and wonder just what the hell is going on here. Why, you may ask, do I feel so strongly about Shrub and the rest of the Taliban (read: Republican) Party? Let me count the ways:

1) The only reason Shrub is in office in the first place is because he stole the election last year.
2) After 9.11.01, Shrub promised a new era of bipartisanship, to move the country forward without petty partisan squabbles. It is clear now that "bipartisanship" is fine- as long as it is on his terms.
3) Shrub and his minions are slowly but ever-so-surely using 9.11.01 as an excuse to erode basic individual liberties. Strangely enough, few Americans seem to notice, much less care.
4) Shrub's administration is just now beginning to acknowledge that women have suffered under the Taliban (no, not the Republicans- this time at least...). Did someone in the White House polling office have an epiphany and discover that women constitute 50%+ of the electorate?
5) Taliban (yes, the Republicans this time...) congressmen are falling over themselves to provide financial relief to big business, but the middle-class men and women affected by the economic downturn have seen, and will likely see, nothing.

When you live and work next to Ground Zero, nothing is normal. How New York City is trying to find it's way....

Steps to take towards realizing the ironic potential in all of us:

1) Download IronyPlugins.
2) Visit The Adam Sandler Website.
3) Feel your head explode.

What is our fascination with Super Models? Thankfully, I missed ABC's soft-pornography Victoria's Secret infomercial last week (I don't have a pornograph, so I couldn't watch...). Why does Madison Avenue insist on glorifying and objectifying bodies that 99.98% of women will never have? Why do women buy into that? Of course, these are rhetorical questions. I'm not looking for the usual Naomi Wolf- Camille Paglia- "men are pigs" response, because there is more to it than that. Sadly, the tobacco industry is not the only parasitic, exploitative, legal-but-destructive method for separating Americans from their money.

When being deathly afraid of having microchips implanted in your butt, black helicopters, or the Trilateral Commission just isn't enough....

Cubs win!! Cubs win!! Cubs Win!! The Northern Alliance moves closer to conquering the parking lot that is Afghanistan. Let the fun begin....

Writers on writing....

In the aftermath of 9.11.01, it is easy to lose sight of the myriad ways in which people have come together. Here is the story of one New York town that has rediscovered compassion and civic-mindedness.

The US government has apparently discovered that MTV is the perfect propaganda tool. Why not? MTV has brainwashed American children for 20 years. How else do you explain Michael Jackson??

What time is "Harry Potter" showing? with the Fun Police having left town, Kabul residents get to go to the movies for the first time in five years. Unfortunately, no one knew where to find the popcorn or the licorice....

Sunday 11.18.01

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but this is still America, isn't it? You know; land of the ____, home of the brave. What was that first part again? And why has Congress been so quiet about Shrub's efforts to curb personal liberties? Since when does war (especially an undeclared one- you'd think Congress would be screaming about THAT one...) provide an excuse for creating a police state? Our elected sheep are the ones we should be expecting to question Shrub's motives in curtailing personal liberties. The tired "there's a war on" excuse does not apply until and unless Congress declares one. Be afraid, be very afraid....

Howdy, Vlad! Make sure you scrape off your boots before you come on in...Shrub and Putin, doing the buddy thing in Crawford. I'm trying to imagine Reagan and Andropov sitting by the fire at Rancho Cielo, sipping Chablis while discussing nuclear throwweights, but it doesn't quite fit. The old Evil Empire isn't what it used to be, eh??

Laura Bush delivered her husband's weekly Presidential radio address yesterday. The idea was for her to shine the spotlight on the Taliban's mistreatment of Afghan women. Is it just me, or is the Administration coming to this realization just a little bit late? Why have they waited until now to decry the treatment of women in Afghanistan? It's not as if this just became a problem recently. Or did someone in the White House suddenly wake up and realize that women make up about 50% of the electorate?

It never ceases to amaze me how the human mind manages to cope with disaster and tragedy. Imagine having to show up for work at the World Trade Center day after day, knowing there are several thousand bodies buried beneath you....

As I've said all along, increased airport security does little to increase actual security. It does a great job or increasing perceived security, inconvenience and invasion of privacy, though. Congress thinks they have solved the problem, and now members are falling over themselves to pat each other on the back. What have they really accomplished?? Are there simply too many holes in the dike and too few fingers?

The US is not the only country trying to strengthen airport security. Even in places that you might not associate with terrorists threats, governments are realizing the need to try to make air travel safer. Norway, a country most Americans might describe as peaceful and placid, is beginning to increase security.

Has the war affected the weather? A valid question, certainly, but this one is from September, 1916. In the midst of WWI, a meteorologist puzzles over whether artillery explosions at the front lines were responsible for causing extra precipitation.

How two Islamic sects traded places in the American consciousness. And you thought that "understanding" Islam was a simple matter? A crucial factor in understanding Islam is being able to distinguish between Sunni and Shiite. You can't tell the players without a program....

From somethingawful.com: More wacked-out, off-their-medication, paranoid conspiracy theorists; this one uncovering "the truth" about 9.11.01:

It is irrelevant who the terrorists were; they were hired and "programmed" by the Illuminati UK-US Committee of 300, the secret government that rules this world. Such terrorism is not normal human behavior, but rather, programmed behavior. This document will sadly prove that the Manhattan Tragedy et al. was planned by the Illuminati (top Masons) before the Towers were even built. Further, they were built specifically for the tragic and DIABOLICAL events of September 11, 2001.

You can go here to see "The Plan", but I think I'll wait for the movie to come out....

Saturday 11.17.01

About 1.25 million people are eligible to vote in Kosovo's general election today. Speaking as someone who has lived there, I know what a triumph this election is. Until the war in 1999, the words "democracy" and "Kosovo" would never been have used in the same sentence. Today's election may not be the independence from Serbia that Albanian Kosovars want (and deserve), but it is a step in the right direction. My hope is that this experience will somehow prove worthy of my friends and acquaintances in Kosovo who were killed during the war. All they wanted was to be able to determine their own fate. Now their compatriots will have at least a taste of that. At least people no longer have to live in fear of Serbs.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.... Macedonia's parliament finally ratified a peace plan that may turn out to not even be worth the paper it's printed on. As with so many disagreements in the Balkans, this conflict seems destined to be settled by force of arms. Tribal war in the Balkans is like a travelling road show. Once it finishes in one town, they just pack it up and take it on the road- Zagreb to Dubrovnik to Sarajevo to Mostar to Pristina to Skopje. So it has ever been....

Talk about your home-field advantage.... A judge in Minneapolis yesterday issued a temporary restraining order requiring the Minnesota Twins to play the 2002 season- the final year of their lease in the Metrodome. So Satan and Major League Baseball got homered? Crying me a f#&*%@g river, Bud Selig....

War is Hell (on your civil liberties): An interesting examination of Shrub's order authorizing military tribunals. There is precedent, which Shrub's defenders are hardly loathe to point out. There is one very troubling aspect to this, however: "It sort of suggests that when the going gets tough, we don't really believe in our ideals either."

I always thought the Bill of Rights had been written in ink, not in pencil....

Rashomon in the Bedroom: The flip side of what can happen when a woman cries "rape". When justice is lazily sought and applied, we all lose....

The Truth Sure Ain't What It Used To Be: While we get our news from ABC or CNN or the like, the Muslim world (35 million Arabic speakers) gets information from Al-Jazeera (requires Arabic Text Support). Suffice it to say that the truth presented by Al-Jazeera ("the Hollywoodization of news is indulged with an abandon that would make the Fox News Channel blush") is a shade or two different from what we are used to. Josef Goebbels had the right idea, though- repeat something often enough and eventually it becomes the truth.

Friday 11.16.01

So, how did you do on the Ritual Sacrifice & Exorcism final?? From Relapsed Catholic (one of my favorites!). Since when is teaching our children about different religions wrong? Are we afraid they might recognize and reject the narrow-minded Christianity that we are trying to cram down their throats?? How can we expect children to respect diversity if we do not education them about it?? Pull your heads out of the sand, willya??

Time to change Houston's mascot to Chicken Little? Is the sky falling? Back in June, The Economist was touting Houston as the next big international business center. Then came 9.11.01. Continental may or may not be able to survive the cratering of the airline industry, and Enron has proven to be little more than a corruptly-managed house of cards. It could be worse, and it has been, during the oil bust of the 80's. At the moment, Houston remains one of the bright spots in the Texas economy. This has always been a place where the highs seem higher and the lows lower than in other parts of the country. Perhaps that is why no one seems to be panicking just yet. Besides, Houston is hardly the only place feeling the reverberations from the effects of 9.11.01.

It's OK to treat them like the scum they are, honey. They're only criminals, and I'm the biggest, baddest sheriff in North Carolina.... Yeah, this makes me proud to be an American....

Can the Minnesota Twins stall for time? Even the players want to stay. As the shock begins to wear off, reactions continue to pour in on Satan's attempt to make my team disappear. Now Satan is trying to pass the buck, blaming Minnesotans for letting their team die. What a f$#&@*g hypocrite!! Mr. Selig, LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!

French troops are headed to Afghanistan in support of the war against terrorism. No word was available on whether they will be showing Jerry Lewis films to the local tribesmen....

OK, so we are in the process of beating the crap out of Afghanistan. Then what? Here is why our work is only just beginning. Sadly, winning the war is only a small part of the bargain. The job now is to keep Afghanistan, a nation that has been at war with itself since the 1970's, from starving.

One of the industries most impacted by the 9.11.01 attacks was the insurance industry. Since the attacks, rates on some terrorism policies have tripled. The question begging to be asking is what role the government should play. Of course, the answer to that question depends on what side of the political fence you sit on. So much for bipartisanship....

Round up the usual suspects. Why Captain Renault's order may be closer to becoming reality in both the US and the UK. President Bush's order to authorize military tribunals is in contravention of the Universal Code of Military Justice, and may be unconstitutional. Tony Blair's new anti-terrorism bill may breach the European Convention on Human Rights. What no one seems to realize is that, if both governments continue down this path, they risk becoming a Westernized version of the Taliban they profess to despise. Power corrupts absolutely, and absolute power is, well, kind of fun, really....

Be vewy, vewy careful; we're hunting wabbits.... Using the proposed definition in the USA PATRIOT Act, YOU could be a terrorist....

Once events in Afghanistan settle down, one of the issues crying out for resolution will be the role of women. Afghanistan in the best of times has never been a place anyone would ever refer to as "permissive", but no one can say with any authority what the role of women will be. Will the sacrifices of groups like RAWA be recognized, or will the Northern Alliance turn out to be Taliban Lite?

Thursday 11.15.01

President Bush has signed an order authorizing the use of military tribunals against suspected terrorists, whether in this country or abroad. This seems an overly broad interpretation of Article 21 of the Universal Code of Military Justice. Traditionally, and by conventional interpretations of military law, tribunals have only been used against combatants during a period of armed conflict in a declared war. We were not in a state of armed conflict on 9.11.01, nor is the war against terror a "declared" war. In a military tribunal, the rules of evidence are less stringent than in civilian courts, and can be whatever the Secretary of Defense decides they will be. Yes, I understand the implications of the conflict we find ourselves in, but has anyone considered the legal and moral questions behind the authorization of tribunals? Since these tribunals may be used domestically, will people branded as "terrorists" be denied basic due process of law? If so, what does that say about us? In the interest of vengeance, are we willing to accept front-line military justice? Are we willing to deny suspects their constitutionally-guaranteed rights to due process? How long until these tribunals or their expedient equivalent are used against "ordinary" citizens? If you're not disturbed by this, you ought to be. It's a short step from where we are to where we could be.

Seizing Dictatorial Power. William Safire weighs in on the most serious threats to freedom- emanating from within our own Executive Branch. Be afraid....

From my muse, Molly Ivins: "One Throws Up One's Hands", a view of the post- 9.11.01 world from France. Well, just as long as one is not throwing up....

Ethics for a secular millenium: An interview with His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. In an age when it seems perfectly acceptable to kill others because of their beliefs, it is refreshing to find someone who espouses the true spirit of religion and the value of diversity.

Holiday in Afghnistan. Eight foreign aid workers held hostage by the Taliban were finally released yesterday. Of course, this begs the question of what they were doing in Afghanistan in the first place. Honestly, though, I'm the last one who should be throwing bricks here. After all, I was doing the same thing in Kosovo during the war in Bosnia, and we ran the same risks. The Serbs weren't exactly renowned for their hospitality....

Show-and-Tell was never like this when I was in school. The 10-year-old daughter of a Houston police officer takes her mother's police weapon to school. And to think that, when I was growing up, my idea of violence was a snow-ball fight....

Just when you were about to give up on our children as spolied, violent, delinquents-in-training, they turn around and surprise you. How a group of South Carolina schoolchildren repaid a 134-year-old debt.

You think YOU have problems? Be glad that you don't have to ride the bus in Seattle. Welcome to public transit hell....

Apparently, the question of whether Osama bin-Laden has nuclear weapons depends on who is doing the translation. The English-language translation states that bin-Laden has and intends to use nuclear weapons. However, the rough Urdu translation says, "Your mother was a hamster, and your father was a small, self-sharpening kitchen utensil. Nyaaa, nyaaa, nyaaa...."

Pundits on Parade: On the internet, everyone can hear you scream, particularly if the topic is Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

You can't tell the players without a program, but they all have blood on their hands. Why none of the Afghan factions will be invited to Human Rights Watch's Christmas party this year....

Second-class survivors. Gay and lesbian partners of the victims of 9.11.01 have found themselves getting the cold shoulder from government and relief agencies. At the risk of igniting the age-old (and tired) "homosexuality is a mortal sin" argument, let's try to focus on the human cost here. People, regardless of their sexual orientation, were impacted by this tragedy- emotionally and financially. Who among us has the right to say that anyone's loss and suffering is less worthy because they are gay or lesbian?. This country has shown such a commendable degree of compassion in the wake of this tragedy. Let's not show how small we can be by denying benefits to someone simply because of who they sleep with.

Wednesday 11.14.01

Abdullah, have you seen my make-up or my Britney Spears CD?? Life after the Fun Police leave town.... Men shave their beards, women show their faces, music plays on loudspeakers. Party on, Garth!

Ain't it fun to kick 'em when they're down?? Maureen Dowd philosophizes on war, liberation, POW executions, and relative evil. Now that the Fun Police are gone, welcome the new boss. But will he turn out to be the same as the old boss?

Speaking of the Fun Police, the Taliban's US branch (conservative Republicans) are doing their best to stifle dissent. Apparently college professors are being insufficiently supportive ("short on patriotism and long on self-flagellation") of Shrub's War on Evil. Zounds! Independent dissident thought? Don't they know that there is a war on?? Where is the Thought Police when you need them?. Probably staking out a Krispy Kreme, checking out the counter girls. A word to those conservative curmudgeons: those troops you have sent to Afghanistan are there in part to support our way of life. Freedom of speech happens to be part and parcel of that. If you can't deal with that, move to North Korea....

Enron CEO Ken Lay announced yesterday that he will forego the $60.6 million severance package he is due once the merger with Dynegy closes. Cry me a f&$#@%g river. Are we supposed to commend Lay for his act of "magnanimity"? Pardon my impudence, but wasn't he the captain of the Titanic here? This is a manager who AVERAGED $31.5 million in compensation over the past eight years. Ample reward for gross incompetence, wouldn't you say?? Whatever happened to rewarding managers based on performance?. All Lay and his minions have done is use creative financing to amass personal fortunes, while those at the bottom of the corporate food chain are facing having to collect unemployment checks. Lay's grossly outsized compensation package may not be criminal, but it certainly borders on the unethical.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving.... This should take absolutely no one by surprise. Reports out of Afghanistan are saying that US unexploded and radioactive ammunition will be scattered over the countryside for years to come. In the end, of course, it will be the children and other civilians who will suffer most.

Murdering Death with Dignity: How the Religious Right, the Right to Life movement, the Catholic Church, conservative Republicans, and Attorney General John Ashcroft managed to fit in the same bed. Does this scare the hell out of anyone else?

Those arrogant rat bastards!! First the French balk at convenience food. What's next? More Jerry Lewis movies?? How dare they??

Russian President Vladimir Putin is visiting Houston today. Here's a guide to what we'd like him to see while he's in town.

A Houston Chronicle poll found that most people favor giving Andrea Pia Yates life in prison as opposed to the death penalty. You remember her, don't you? She drowned her five children in a bathtub, laid them out on a bed, called her husband, and then became the poster child for the women's movement? I wonder what would have happened if Russell Yates had been the one committing infanticide? My suspicion is that you wouldn't have been able to hang him high enough or fast enough. Anyone else sense a double standard here??

From digitalurbanite.com: A&E is airing biographies of Satan (no, not Bud Selig this time...) and Saddam Hussein on consecutive nights. Coincidence? Or is South Park influencing the direction of popular culture in subtle yet insidious ways? Write your congressman....

Speaking of Satan (yes, Bud Selig this time...), imagine working for the Minnesota Twins, wondering whether or not you'll have a job come spring training. Suddenly, a 100-year-old franchise is on the verge of extinction. Meanwhile, employees have mouths to feed and mortgages to pay. Talk about twisting in the (frozen) wind....

Tuesday 11.13.01

After two days in the (relatively) allergen-free air of Eastern North Carolina, where I could breathe, I'm back in Houston. Where I cannot. Arrrggghhhh.....

Why Adam Scruggs will live forever.

Walt Whitman lives!! Talk about a man ahead of his time. Emerson called Whitman's Leaves of Grass "the most extraordinary piece of wit and wisdom that America has yet contributed," and referred to Whitman as being "at the beginning of a great career." Sadly, few of contemporaries could get past the prevailing portrayal of his "Children of Adam" work as "sex poems". Things were a little bit different back then, no?

If clothes make the man, what does a beard say? Apparently, in Pakistan it can say plenty. Best enjoy the Taliban look while you still can. Most likely, it will be out of fashion soon (if it isn't already).

To quote a certain well-known frog: "It isn't easy being Green". That apparently hasn't stopped the Green Party from making significant political progress on the local level. Finally, perhaps, there may be an alternative to the Republicrat oligarchy. Hey, it's a start, especially if you subscribe to the theory that all politics is local.

Enough of last year's presidential election already. It's over; Shrub stole it fair and square. There, I said it; deal with it, y'all....There is only one thing I want to know. After that fiasco, why would anyone want to name a child "Chad"??

After 9.11.01, a lot of trouble spots dropped of the radar screen (whither Kosovo?). One that continues without relief is the Chinese occupation of Tibet. Tibet House is one place that is still trying to positively impact events in Tibet.

More timewasters.... Hey, it beats the heck out of playing "Doom" while you're supposed to be finishing that report....

OK, now I need to refuel; my caffeine level is precariously and perilously proximate to plummeting precipitously. Must...make...it...to...Starbuck's...while...I...still...have...strength....

Great, so the Northern Alliance have forced the Taliban out of Kabul. Now what? Do we have any reason to believe that the Northern Alliance will be an improvement? No doubt the Northern Alliance will not be nominated for any human rights awards anytime soon. I wonder if US policymakers are truly aware of the pitfalls involved with being wedded to these folks? Talk about a shotgun wedding....

Welcome to northwestern Pakistan. We couldn't afford to make ourselves into a modern society, so we thought we'd choose a leader who could drag us back into the Stone Age. So far, so good. We have no problem with murder and bloodshed; after all, it's against infidels and in support of Islam, and Osama has called for a jihad. Oh, and we don't take American Express....

Kneejerk democracy, or killing the patient in order to save it (from katecohen.com): This is what happens when a few in positions of power decide it is in the public interest to create a police state. Why is it that we must curtail individual rights and freedoms in order to preserve public security? Since when are these two concepts mutually exclusive? The USA PATRIOT Act seems less about anti-terrorism than broadening police powers in the name of "fighting terrorism". Are these the lessons we've learned since 9.11.01?

If it weren't for bad luck.... Two people who survived the collapse of the World Trade Center towers were killed in the crash of American Airline Flight 587 yesterday....

David fells Goliath. Now, whatever will we do with the body??

Yes, Virginia, there are still problems in the Balkans. Surely, you didn't think everyone kissed and made up just because it's no longer front page news? Silly wabbit....

Can you carry the water hazard with a 4-iron ifs said hazard is the Arabian Sea?

Monday 11.12.01

What a whirlwind weekend. I flew to North Carolina on Friday afternoon, spent Saturday tooling around Eastern North Carolina and the Outer Banks (never did make it to Cape Hatteras, though...), and flew back yesterday afternoon. I feel as if I was in motion all weekend, and I am exhausted. Still, it was great to see my brother and his family again...

I should begin by expressing my gratitude for the free ticket. Hey, it's not as if the flight cost me anything. Having said that, though, perhaps now would be a good time to mention how much I dislike Southwest Airlines. Never has a 737 felt more like a cattle car. Southwest is all about packing as many people as possible into the smallest possible space- and they're quite good at it. There is nothing comfortable or convenient about Southwest, and I find travelling with them an exhausting experience. It always reminds me of the opening scene from "Enemy at the Gate", where all those young Soviet soldiers are stuffed into a railroad car. At least we were able to sit down....

One of the most troubling aspects of my trip was dealing with airport security. From what I can see, the increased security provides little added benefit. The most notable tangible result is the exponential increase in incovenience and invasion of personal privacy. While in Raleigh-Durham for the return flight, I had to stand still while a female worker patted me down. Frankly, I found it offensive; my wife wouldn't touch me like that in public (even though it would be infinitely more enjoyable....). And what is with all those National Guard troops? The ones I saw looked bored out of their minds. Do those folks actually have a role outside of being a symbol? I fail to see what having armed, uniformed military personnel roaming around security checkpoints is intended to accomplish. I'm all for increased security, but "increased" does not automatically translate to "more effective". I felt no safer, but I did feel significantly more aggravated.

From the NOW They Tell Us Department: The Drudge Report is carrying a story saying that Gore blew it during the Florida recount. Apparently, he had it all wrong. If Gore had demanded a statewide recount, he might have been successful. Of course, that success depends on which votes you count. I still believe, and will continue to believe, that Shrub stole the election. It was an illegimate, tainted "victory". A year later, though, how do you go about seeking justice? I'm not sure you can, but you can work towards the next election cycle and make sure people are aware of the way the election was stolen. It's time to look ahead instead of looking back.

From Relapsed Catholic: THIS is why beer comes in six-packs!!

All right folks, it's official; we have entered that place where we need to finally admit that patriotism has become trite. What exactly has this outpouring of patriotic righteousness accomplished, besides suppression of dissent? When does patriotism become nationalism, then jingoism, then xenophobia? I'm not sure where that line is either, but we as a nation have both feet well over it.

More ominously, gratuitous patriotic displays can be a distraction, because it takes no effort to wave a flag and sing a song. While keeping spirits high certainly has its place, it's no substitute for the hard thinking and arguments that need to take place about why Sept. 11 happened -- and more important, how best to keep that from happening again. A vigorous debate about America's place in the world, complete with songs spanning the ideological spectrum, would be a renewed spirit of patriotism worth celebrating. But if this new patriotism only means that U.S. flags are suddenly trendy, then it ultimately means nothing at all.

I think that, in general, all of are struggling with a degree of "survivor's guilt". We want to turn that into something positive, to do something that makes a difference, and that is commedable. What has been created, though, is a climate where questioning the war against Afghanistan could get one branded as a heretic. Since when did our freedom of thought and speech go out the window? If one chooses, for whatever reason, not to wave a flag, does that make that person un-American? Does declining to surrender to the new trendiness of patriotism and flag-waving mean that one is not a patriot? Perhaps we would do well to recognize that patriotism has little to do with outward displays and symbols, and everything to do with a willingness to sacrifice for the greater good.

Macedonia is back at it again. More ethnically-oriented violence has broken out after a vote to ratify peace accords negotiated between Macedonians and Albanians was put off. Is there any hope for a permanent peace of any sort in the Balkans? Clearly, the present course of events does little to inspire confidence....

What are the daycare hours in the clubhouse? Two 12-year-old girls, too young to qualify for the California State Junior Golf Tournament, made it to the finals of the adult state tournament. What are they feeding these kids anyway??

Way too much time on your hands? Missing Pets.com? Why not visit the Wayback Machine?? Dotcoms never really die, they just go to the Internet Archive.

For those of you who haven't already immersed yourself in the minutiae of every detail surrounding 9.11.01, here is a treatise on exactly why the World Trade Center towers collapsed. As if knowing that information will bring any of the victims back. Is this what engineers discuss over cocktails??

If anyone is looking for someone to admire for what they have overcome and accomplished during the course of their lifetime, here is an excellent candidate. Intel's Andy Grove, raised in Hungary under Nazi occupation, makes Jack Welch look like the mean-spirited, self-important, self-absorbed bully that he is.

Baseball is a mess, and the fun is just beginning....

Friday 11.9.01

A few words of wisdom before my trip to North Carolina and my state visit to the Autonomous Socialist Republic of Greenville....

Let's roll.... Anyone who listened to President Bush last night had to be struck by the total absence of specifics. His speech was 30 minutes of cliches, slogans, and platitudes. Perhaps he thinks that is what we need to hear, but I felt as if I wasted my time. I don't recall Shrub being sworn in as "Cheerleader-in-Chief".

A 16-year-old Latvian schoolgirl slapped the Prince of Wales across the face with a flower yesterday. She faces up to 15 years in prison for "endangering the life of a foreign dignitary". Say what?? Granted, her "assault" was perhaps not the brightest of protests, but how does slapping a prince with a flower equal 15 years? Hey, at least he got flowers; that's more than most guys can say....

Chelsea Clinton is apparently finding that English hospitality can be a contradiction in terms. Brits aren't as blindly and overwhelming supportive of this country- perhaps because thy're not Americans?? The great thing about living overseas is discovering that Americans aren't universally loved. The reasons why are almost beside the point. If you are going to be travelling or living overseas, don't expect to be welcomed with open arms simply because you carry an American passport. More often than not, you will be reviled and held singlehandedly responsible for acts or policies our government has carried out. You will be blamed because you are American, available, and within shouting distance. Get used to it, or stay home.

Show me the MONEY!! English footballers have voted to authorize a strike over- get this- television revenues. Football hooligans all over the UK reacted in horror at the prospect of having no heads to bash during the season. Seldom have I feared for my safety more than I did standing on the the terraces at Fulham Broadway during a Chelsea- Manchester United match. I spent three hours surrounded by thousands of drunken Englishmen and two unarmed policemen. Soldiers aren't the only ones who find religion in foxholes....

Ready for something to brighten your day? Worried that you might become the next victim of the recession? Here's a tool that you can use to calculate the odds on losing your job. Cheers!!

Mind if we play through??

Zounds! There is unethcial, possibly criminal activity going on at Enron. I am shocked- SHOCKED- that a company would overstate it's earnings- for years! Who says business ethics isn't a contradiction in terms??

From the Too Much Information Department: Samuel L. Jackson enjoys going au naturel under his kilt. Would someone please get Mr. Jackson some underwear, and while you're at it, tell him to stop talking about it?? Thank you....

Want to be a big-league manager? Hey, the Minnesota Twins have a vacancy. Don't hold your breath, though. There may not be a team to manage before long if Satan has has his way....

Now, off to get ready for my trip. Diplomacy can be such hard work.... Where is my scepter- and my entourage??

Thursday 11.8.01

As I am writing this, two large men are dismantling our bathroom, noisily and with large implements of destruction. Let's hope it doesn't go any farther than that....

Our next door neighbor came over last night and handed us a free round-trip ticket anywhere on Southwest Airlines. So, I'm flying to North Carolina tomorrow to see my brother and his family. Yippee!! Road Trip!!!

This beauty is from Relapsed Catholic: Do you hate Catholics, Jews, Muslims, and non-believers in general? Tired of situational ethics and the permissive, hedonistic nature of modern society? If so, you could write for Bob Jones University Press. One of their specialities is indoctrination manuals for youth (aka "children's books"). These folks make Jerry Falwell look like Mr. Rogers....

Lonely? Looking for female companionship? Willing to settle for a close substitute? Well the folks at Realdoll have just the thing for you. Best of all, you don't have to blow anything up! (Does this strike anyone else as high-tech creepiness??)

So THIS is what happens when you play with other people's money! The sad saga of how one of Houston's largest (and apparently, most poorly-run) corporations went from the penthouse to the outhouse in less than a calendar year. Enron, which ten years ago was a moribund gas company, is now a moribund multi-faceted energy services company. I love Enron's corporate slogan: "Discover the power of Why." OK, why is your stock worth less than a quarter of what it was in January? Why do you go through CFOs as if they were breakfast cereals? Why can't CEO Ken Lay admit that the horse is out of the barn and is nowhere to be found? Enron is on the verge of being purchased by Dynegy, a much smaller but better-managed company. No doubt senior management will come out of the deal with wads of cash, while those worker bees lower on the food chain will be hitting the unemployment lines. I love this country....

Basketball season is here again, which means that I can once again root for my Portland Jailblazers. Yay, rah rah! Block that shot! Post that bail! Hey, you may not want them going out with your daughter, but they can sure nail the three-pointers....

Microsoft has apparently seen the error of it's ways, and has decided to change it's image. Microsoft will change it's name to "The Mother Teresa Technology for Everyone Corporation". Corporate apparel will be sackcloth and ashes, and Bill Gates will sell his sumptuous Mercer Island palace and move into a cardboard box under I-5 near downtown Seattle. There will be new faces in senior management as well. The Dalai Lama will become the new CEO, with Warren Buffett taking over as CFO after he takes a vow of poverty and abstinence. Microsoft Imperial Headquarters in Redmond will be donated to the American Red Cross, who will turn it into the world's largest blood-donation center. Microsoft employees will fan out to airports across the country, where they hope to collect monetary donations by singing, chanting, and praying.

Though it may not be popular or politically correct in these times, there are still voices that speak for peace. This may not be a popular view, but it deserves to be heard. Whether or not you believe waging war against Afghanistan is the right thing to do, war against anyone comes with horrific consequences.

With friends like this, who needs enemas? (Thanks, Beamers!!)

Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!

Friend, When you are sad...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile...I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge 'til the end. Why, you may ask? Because you're my friend!

P.S. A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.

So what teams should Major League Baseball contract? There are 28 other teams besides Minnesota and Montreal. Jim Caple of ESPN.com examines reasons why any of the 28 remaining teams should be given a one-way ticket to Palookaville....

Wednesday 11.7.01

Would someone please tell President Bush it's "NUCLEAR" and not "NUCULAR"....

In our mass rush to demonize Osama Bin-laden and his followers (and deservedly so...), we seem to have forgotten about potential home-grown terrorists from America's racist undersground.

It's a DISGRACE that in a population of at least 150 MILLION White/Aryan Americans, we provide so FEW that are willing to do the same. [A] bunch of towel head/sand niggers put our great White Movement to SHAME.

- Rocky Suhayda, American Nazi Party Chairman

It would be easy (and overly simplistic) to blame Islamic terrorists for everything that has or could potentially happen. The reality, though, is that terrorism from within is just as likely as from without. The anthrax scare is a perfect example. While no one knows exactly who is responsible, it is just the type of attack that a small group could carry out with relative ease. There are plenty of American right-wing nutcases who have applauded the attacks of 9.11.01. To lose sight of that would only put ourselves at unnecessary risk.

Vladimir Ilyich Lenin is still dead.

China's governor in Tibet is promising greater prosperity and social harmony through increased investment. There was apparently no word on whether a reduction in repression and persecution would be included in the investment package.

This from Bob Franken of CNN: "The Pentagon is actually doing very little to mark the one-month anniversary" of the beginning of the war. I'm sorry; was I supposed to send flowers??

Sure, "they're the only game in town", as one US general has said, but the Northern Alliance is not exactly Afghanistan's Great White Hope. These folks are every bit as brutal and merciless as the Taliban, just without all the bad press. For a little background, Human Rights Watch has put together an excellent report on the state of affairs in Afghanistan, particularly as it relates to the fate of women.

Sabena, Belgium's national airline is about to go belly up. Here's what I want to know: Just how does an airline stay in business when it has made a profit in only two years since 1954?

In a rare interview, Keiko the Killer Whale admitted that his role in the movie "Free Willy" was only a role. He apparently does not yearn to be free, and has never caught a fish for himself, only doing so for the dead herrings he gets as a reward. His friends no longer come to Iceland to visit, leaving Keiko a lonely, bitter fish, devoid of companionship.

That's a LOT of Oregano, Officer.... Former Dallas Cowboy lineman Nate Newton was busted in Louisiana for being in possession of 213 pounds of marijuana. Michael Irvin was apparently not available for comment.

Satan (aka Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig) announced yeterday that ownership has approved the contraction of two teams. While not identifying the two lucky winners, reports are still indicating that Montreal and Minnesota will soon ride off into the sunset. You might as well get me those Twins souvernirs for Christmas this year, because they likely won't be available much longer. Minneapolis without the Twins won't be Omaha, but it will be close. Meanwhile, the Minneapolis press spins "what if..." fantasies.

Houston's mayoral race is headed for a runoff. The Democratic incumbent, Lee Brown (Mediocrity Personified), will oppose conservative Republican Orlando Sanchez. Even in Houston, a conservative Hispanic Republican is a rare bird. This should be interesting....

A flood of cheap Afghan heroin is scheduled to arrive just in time for the recession....

Is there life after "Seinfeld"? Apparently not. ABC announced yesterday that "Bob Patterson" has died a horribly unfortunate and untimely death. Though obviously shocked, Jason Alexander admits he will somehow have to survive on the $15 million he received from KFC to film a series of incredibly lame commercials. Services are pending.

Tuesday 11.6.01

If an Afghan village is bombed, and CNN is not there to film it, did it really happen??

The Way of the Exploding Stick. Ah, Grasshopper; get off your ass and get back to work....

Remember this gem?: "This just in...Florida has just gone for Al Gore...." I suppose it just goes to show you what can happen when a state's electoral system is stacked with Republicans and the Supreme Court has been stacked with conservatives justices by Republican presidents. Who says you can't buy an election? No matter what anyone says about "sour grapes" or being a "poor loser", I will never be convinced that George W. Bush did anything but steal the Presidency. For that reason alone, I will never view him as legitimate. For a man who campaigned on restoring honor to the Presidency, it strikes me as the height of hypocrisy that he "won" the election in the manner he did. The moral of this story: cheating may be wrong, but if you do it on a large enough scale, it becomes Josef Goebbels' "Big Lie" and no one notices.

On Planet Prozac, No One Can Hear You Scream: What is it about the Internet that draws so many wacked-out, paranoid, off-their-medication conspiracy theorists? While doing some research on a old Russian submarine maneuver called a "Crazy Ivan" (Tom Clancy fans will recognize the term), I ran across this piece. It is truly impressive in the depth of it's paranoid delusion. Wow.... It's 9.00pm; do you know where your medication is??

Vanessa Leggett was back in court yesterday. Her attorney was asking that she be released on no more than $5,000 bail. US Attorney Terry Clark is contending that Ms. Leggett should be held until she releases her notes, contending that she is not a journalist because she has not published a book. Leggett has written mostly for technical journals (ironically enough, she has written a manual for the FBI). Employing that logic, you could claim that Mr. Clark is not really an attorney, because he has not argued a case before the Supreme Court. Sure, it's a ridiculous argument, but it is roughly equivalent to what the federal government is doing to Ms. Leggett. Let her go already....

Thomas Friedman on the Alice-in-Wonderland anti-US propaganda in the Arab world:

Arab regimes fail to build a real future for their people. This triggers seething anger. Their young people who can get visas escape overseas. Those who can't turn to the mosque and Islam to protest. The regimes crush the violent Muslim protesters, but to avoid being accused of being anti-Muslim the regimes give money and free rein to their most hard-line, but nonviolent, Moslem clerics, while also redirecting their public's anger onto America through their press. Result: America ends up being hated and Islam gets handed over to the most anti-modern forces. Have a nice day.

It may sound twisted, but I've spent enough time in the Middle East to be familiar with what he is saying. People who live in the Arab world do not have the access to information sources that we do here. Information is often tightly controlled and spun, crafted to generate a desired response among the masses. Hence, we are where we are. When travelling in the Middle East, you learn quickly not to advertise your nationality if you carry an American passport.

It's nice to see the problems of concussions among athletes getting some world-wide attention. Perhaps fans will begin to realize that athletes need to be able to ensure their quality of life after their playing careers. Wearing a drool bucket in your 60s because of too many shots to the head is not a pretty picture. Remember Jerry Quarry?

Here's something fun for those of us who do not believe in situational ethics. Some of the responses are worth reading just for comic relief. Yes, these people really are out there, walking the Earth unmedicated.

Twins fans don't deserve this. The most despicable act in baseball's long (and often sordid) history? Well, this is up against some stiff competition, but shutting down the Twins would be the ultimate case of owners taking their ball and going home. Twins owner Carl Pohlad got his start collecting bad debts during the Depression. Commissioner Bud Selig, who also owns the Milwaukee Brewers, got his team when he stole it from Seattle in 1969. Not a track record that inspires condfidence in their sense of fair play, is it?

Monday 11.5.01

Has there been a rise in anti-semitism since 9.11.01? Has it once again become fashionable, in our search for scapegoats, to hate the "others"? Why can't we all get along??

What if a baseball team disappeared and no one cared??

From the Men Wearing Tin Foil Hats Department: Thanks to somethingawful.com for uncovering this beauty. "The Unofficial, Unlawful, (Un)censored, Unforgettable 'F*** The System Page'" claims to uncover "the reasons why the system sucks so bad." Gee, could it have something to do with the fact that intelligent, otherwise capable people are wasting their time on crap like this? The truth may be out there, but it sure isn't here.

Apparently some Ph.D in the Pentagon has realized that making cluster bombs the same color as humanitarian food packets could be a problem. Who says military intelligence is an oxymoron? Now, if they really wanted to be efficient, how about exploding food packets? Psych!! It's ideas like this that make this country great, no??

Here's a news flash to those of you new to the concept of bioterrorism: anthrax is nothing new. I watched David Letterman interview Tom Brokaw last week, and Brokaw said that anthrax is found in the soil in Montana. The threat of anthrax being used as a weapon has been around for many years. We've just been fortunate that no one has spread it around- until now, of course.

OK, I'll fess up. I, the coddled icon of liberal intellectualism, adore "The Simpsons" and "South Park". Where else can an adult go for high-brow potty humor AND way-left-leaning ridicule of self-centered conservative ideology? Sure, Jim Hightower and Molly Ivins can turn a phrase, but no one skewers Jerry Falwell with more well-aimed mockery than Bart Simpson or Cartman. Sometimes I'll wake up in the morning with "Blame Canada" running through my head. Hey, it beats listening to Jim Rome....

One of the best World Series ever?? It certainly felt like it, especially if you hate the Yankees. This one was unbelievably fun to watch....

Another semi-pointless (but fun) timewaster: Thanks to Jonathan Green for posting this sensuality test. I scored 80 out of 100 points:

You are one sensual human being! You are titillated by the sensual stimuli of everyday life. The smell of flowers, the sensation of silk against the skin, the taste of food, the sound of music, and the rich colors of life tickle and tease you to ecstasy. Yours is a hedonistic attitude, and you deeply enjoy the physical pleasures that life has to offer. This is great-a good smell or beautiful color is often enough to keep a smile on your face and a song in your heart.

Your senses are also inextricably linked to your emotions and certain sensual stimuli can evoke strong feelings. Therefore you tend to be emotionally passionate.

Because you get so much pleasure from your senses, you are eager to experiment in life. This is positive since you can make great discoveries and experience a lot of pleasure. However, being pleasure-driven can sour you from persevering if an experience isn't entirely pleasant. If that's your case, your lack of persistence might be keeping you from attaining worthy goals (sometimes it is necessary to wade through dull and insipid periods of life).

But most importantly, remember that 'too much of a good thing' can be harmful. People who delight is sensual pleasures are at a slightly increased risk for addictions. So keep yourself in check.

All in all, you have the innate ability to use your senses to enjoy what this life has to offer!

Sunday 11.4.01

Now it appears a group in Minneapolis is trying to put together an 11th-hour deal to save the Minnesota Twins. I find it disturbing that there is no news on the Twins' website. I guess denial really IS more than just a river in Egypt....

Here it is the first weekend in November, and I'm running around in shorts, wishing I could play golf. I've lived here for four years now, so you'd think I might have gotten used to this. Apparently not. For a kid who grew up in northern Minnesota (aka The Great White North), this weather is amazing. I grew up with snowdrifts, I live with palm trees. How cool is that?? The Gulf of Mexico is less than a mile away, and I can play golf year-round. Shh....don't tell anyone. Before you know it, everyone will want to live here, and then I'll NEVER be able to get a decent tee time.

Allergy season seems to be in full swing. I wish I could figure out what it is I'm allergic to? Work? Women? Fast food? Teenagers? I just want to be able to breathe again....

In a age replete with spoiled, pampered professional athletes, here's a tip of my cap to Paul O'Neill. Watching the Yankee Stadium crowd serenading him the other night, even I became misty-eyed. I've never been a Yankee fan, but I've always admired O'Neill's passion and drive, and the fact that he played the game the way it should be played. His formidable temper was rarely directed at anyone but himself, which happened regularly. In a sport where a 70% failure rate at the plate makes you a star, O'Neill never displayed a willingness to settle for anything short of perfection, as many bat racks and water coolers could testify. I'll miss you, Paulie....

Salman Rushdie (remember him??) checks in, saying that the war against terrorism really is a war against Islam, or at least the militant, back-to-the-Stone-Age Islam.

Maureen Dowd on why it is tough being Goliath to the Taliban's David. Sometimes money, power, and vastly superior technology won't mean there are enough fingers to fill every hole in the dike.

A preimer on how the fear of terrorism can skew the electoral process, from right here in H-town. As if dealing with pollution, unchecked growth, and clogged freeways weren't enough to keep local politicians busy.

From my friends at Mother Jones: When does government control of the media become censorship? Why the Bushies attempts at controlling the news, and the media's acquiescence, may be as dangerous to our democracy as any terrorist.

From Garrison Keillor: How Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura got caught up in the war.

Saturday 11.3.01

It's beginning to look a lot like the Minnesota Twins will be riding off into the sunset. Damn, why does it have to be a team that was actually competitive last year?? That's more than you could say about Tampa Bay or Florida....

Friday 11.2.01

A 19-year-old man in Cleveland has been charged with felonious assault for trying to reshape his infant son's head. Apparently, he wanted a son who looks like Spongebob Squarepants.

I heard a story on CNN Headline News this morning saying that the witches convicted in the Salem Witch Trial have been exonerated after 300+ years. None of the witches were available for comment....

Oh, to have been in Yankee Stadium the past two nights....

Have you watched Channel 26 News lately? Each reporter ends his story by saying, "I'm Joe Newshound, working for you in Brazoria County." Or wherever they're reporting from.

Sort of like the Channel 2 commercial where Emily Akin says she doesn't work for the TV station, she "works for you."

If all these reporters are working for me, how come my washing machine still makes a funny noise during the spin cycle, my garage needs painting, and one of my car's headlights is out?

If a TV reporter really wants to work for me, he'll come to my house and shampoo the carpets.

- Ken Hoffman
Houston Chronicle

You think YOU have problems? Just be grateful you're not a member of the Afghan Hound Club of America....

What is it with celebrities getting tours of Ground Zero? Jack Nicholson, in New york for the World Series, managed to get in "using his famous smile." I can understand the need for people (from ALL walks of life) wanting to put the event in some sort of perspective. Why, though, do celebrities insist on treating Ground Zero as the latest place to see and be seen? Ground Zero is a crime scene; why do authorities make such an effort to keep the "unwashed masses" out, but celebrities such as Michael Jordan get guided tours from Mayor Giuliani??

Thursday 11.1.01

Late Breaking News: The Editorial Board of The People's Republic of Seabrook today came out with an unequivocally fawning endorsement of Chris Bell for Mayor of Houston. A spokesman for the Bell campaign, while expressing gratitude for the support, asked "Y'all don't actually live IN Houston, do you??". Also, in a stunning coup, The People's Republic of Seabrook today pulled itself from consideration for the 2004 Socialist Youth Games. Organizers, when asked their reasons for their action, stated that they had not realized that the only two Socialist countries left in the world are North Korea and Norway. One official, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, said "The whole exercise seemed kinda pointless, if you know what I mean."

From the Indoctrinating Our Youth Department: This is my reaction to something I found on katecohen.com.... Halloween, which used to be an innocent children's celebration has, in some places, been turned into an evangelistic tool. The basic theory here seems to be that if you terrorize a child, you can get them to believe just about anything. How despicable is that? Are parents too busy or lazy to try and teach lessons to their children? How can a parent who professes to love a child allow that same child to be terrorized and propagandized?

Don't Let The Turkeys Get You Down: For those who contributed to the American Red Cross' $547M Liberty Fund, you're in for a surprise. It appears the Red Cross, that perceived bastion of nonpartisan humanitarianism, is as political and spineless as any other organization. ARC's director, Dr. Bernadine Healy, was forced out for trying to right a wrong- denying a sovereign country (Israel) equality because of it's ethnicity. Sometimes doing the right thing will get you nowhere....

Reports out of Minnesota are saying that Major League Baseball's plans for contraction include disbanding the Montreal Expos and the Minnesota Twins, the team that I grew up worshipping. I suppose this serves as mute testimony to MLB's impotence in the face of the collective self-interest of baseball's team owners. Perhaps baseball's high priests should concentrate on fixing some of the things that are really wrong with the game. As usual, though, the Lords of the Game will no doubt be driven solely by the Almighty Dollar. Tradition, history, and the fan base are great, I suppose, but they don't feed the bulldog....